best purchase ever

I wrote this six years ago and I still stand by it! I stand by it so much, that I'm posting it again because I would be remiss to keep information like this to myself. This was written back when I lived in an apartment on the second floor and my kids were 10 and 12.

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friends don't let friends watch late night infomercials... I should have just called spazzdotme at 3am instead.

I ordered this tape, Winsor Pilates. I really have no idea what I was thinking - aside from, "that looks easy". What the hell, right? I'm getting older, I should probably think about doing something like this.

If you're around me and I ever talk, or even look like I'm thinking about buying a DVD or fitness tape.... talk me down. I don't really mean it, I swear.

I was all excited when I got my stupid little package. Pop the DVD into the player at 7am - and my son comes out to say good morning and then just looks from the TV set to me, back to the TV set and then gives me that WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY MOTHER look...

glare....so he makes a graceful exit and goes to get ready for school...

I'm listening to this chick talking on this video...

My abdomen is a Power House!...Right on...who knew?..I should have looked at it that way instead of asking for it to be scooped out with a grapefruit spoon during labor with my daughter...

"Lay on your back and lift one leg straight up in the air. It's like an arrow shooting out of the hip"...No, it's really not..."Very nice! Loose legs"....yeah, my Mom would be so proud to hear you say that.....

"Make yourself a tiny little ball. Pull your Power House in! Roll back and then come up"...I swear to God when we use to do this as kids, our parents would tell us to stop because we were going to snap our spines.

"Single leg lifts! Don't forget to breathe!"...seriously, who the fuck forgets to breathe? A male friend of mine once told me to "breathe" and I turned around and asked him what kind of people he hangs out with that he has to remind them to do such a thing....and are they frequently blue in the lips?

"Pull the belly button to the spine!"...No, seriously, she does say that... yeah, I didn't know that was possible either...

I discovered that I have an unhealthy hatred for people that use the word "tushie", especially when they're referring to MY ass.....hey, I didn't know that before this DVD...I'm just sharing...

At this point, my son comes into the living room and says, "You know, you're actually suppose to pretend to put forth an effort when you watch something like that".............go take out the garbage, funny boy, before YOU get YOUR "tushie" grounded...

This is not a house of free speech.

So, after a half hour of watching the tape, I popped it back out -- and maybe some day I'll actually DO it instead of just watching it...you have to work up to these things you know.

[AND YES, I KNOW, I KNOW - A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE DO THIS WINSOR THING. DON'T BADGER ME. IT'S NOT THE TAPE. IT'S ME. DON'T CRUCIFY ME]

But this week! This week.....
oh my God!
I made THE best investment purchase EVER.
I was meant to have this.
I now own.................a PUNCHING BAG.
And it's THE best thing in the world!!

I think for the first time in my life, I'm actually giddy (I never knew what that word meant before as it applies to myself, I got it now though!).

It's beautiful, too. It's a free standing.... okay, it's kind of ugly, but it's still very cool. Plastic base that you fill with water or sand...water, thankyouverymuch - like I want to empty a ton of sand out the window of the second floor when I actually move, right?.

It only weighs 170lbs filled and can adjust up to 72". Being 5'3" and with a frame much smaller than my personality - this isn't really an issue. 12 oz red boxing gloves and red wraps.

It's been 4 days now and I've learned some truths that I'd like to pass along.

It takes a bit to learn how to wrap up your wrists with the hand wraps....but, it's better than breaking both of your wrists - I did that when I was 11 years old, it's not fun... Aside from that though, these are some definite truths:

1) As soon as you get your hand wraps on and gloves - you will suddenly have to pee....I don't know why, it just is. So, be prepared to do it twice.

2) You CAN drink out of a glass if you're careful while wearing boxing gloves. You just might not want to attempt it in front of people because you look like a total moron doing it....it would make people think you need headgear to go along with the ensemble....but not for boxing reasons...if you get my drift

3) You cannot type, answer the phone or fast-forward a tape in the VCR with gloves on....trial and error...trial and error...

I have a theory that hand wraps would be good for someone with carpal tunnel while typing though...but that's just a theory...

4) If you hit the bag repeatedly without gloves because you daughter stole them and won't give them back - you will have cuts across your knuckles....It's not attractive.

5) I assure you, there are muscles you have that you're unaware of. Did you know there's one between your shoulder blades in your back? And it's pretty damn long, too! For 35 years, I never knew it was there.

When this got delivered, my daughter took one look at it and screamed, "THIS IS AWESOME!"...she takes karate - her father (my second husband) is an instructor in his spare time. He could never teach me because - well, I'm hostile and I didn't like him at the end of our marriage. It just would have resulted in bloodshed; in his sleep.

For an entire hour, my daughter kicked the crap out of this thing....and right on...she's going to be dating in 5 more years...a guy would have to be off his rocker to step out of line with her... She's mine...she comes from a long line of women of rage...

I tried to teach my son. He thinks he's Rocky for about 4 minutes until it starts to burn and then he's done.

My then husband (yes, my third husband, I go through them like water it seems) thinks this is great! Now he can always tell when I'm pissed off - and either avoids me or is the cheering section from the other room...laughing.

It now resides where the Christmas tree should be going....My then husband was like, "what the hell are we going to do with this thing"....personally, I've been thinking about taking down the dining room table to make room...

I want to do the marketing for punching bags. The first campaign I'd come up with is:

"PUNCHING BAGS PREVENT FELONIES"
It's an Aerobic Century Wavemaster.

WARNING: Century training equipment is intended for physical conditioning. Consult your physician prior to any training program (do people actually do this?). Injuries including paralysis and death can occur when using equipment. User assumes all risk of injury.

Paralysis and Death? What on earth are these people doing with this equipment that they would even have to print that?

I suppose if I heaved this thing across the room and waited until someone was passing through to the parking lot under my window and then pushed it out on their head - it could cause death. I'd have to have some really good aim and be able to move fast though.

heaving it out the window could probably cause paralysis to you and death to those below....at least that makes sense

So, I'll leave you all with this....

A line up of Godsmack songs and a punching bag....preferably one of their songs that contain the words, "You pull me down - And you crucify my name - You make me insane"...and...some Drowning Pool..."let the bodies hit the floor"...and...

That's not exercise.
That's therapy!