financial training

A few years ago, we had a rough summer in this house. I did not know if my son was going to live through it. If I had to place money, I would have put it on me killing him. I'm still not sure if I should let him live or not, but he has a better chance of it these days now that he's 18.

One Friday night he was really grating on my last nerves. Spouting off about how he was all grown up, etc. He doesn't need college. He doesn't need anything. His grades don't matter. He can make it!

Mind you, at this time, he's only 14.

I spent from the time he went to bed until the time I went to sleep...just...fuming about the whole conversation.

When Saturday morning rolled around he was left with way too much time on his hands.

Oh, you don't know what to do with yourself?
NEVER say those words around me.

Fine.
I'll find you something to do.
Sit...down....

The girl child was wandering around the house doing nothing worthwhile either, so I called her into the dining room too.

"You're both going to learn something today!"

The boy sat there all sullen as I handed them both a piece of paper and something to write with.

"Today we're going to learn about minimum wage...Because that's what your brother is going to be earning if he doesn't shape up."

Now it's my son's turn to start fuming.

Good.
It's good for him.

My turn to give him a little aggravation.

Why? Because if I do this right, he'll be out on his own in three years. If I kill him, I'll probably get eight years in prison.

This is not the path of least resistance, but it is less time.

My miserable, unimpressed, wanting to be anywhere else on the face of the planet son just wasn't warming up to the idea yet.

After looking him straight in the face and telling him that he was going to learn what I had to teach him - whether it took him the hour it would take a normal person, or all damn day -- he WAS going to learn it. Because, lucky you, I have absolutely NOTHING ELSE to do today other than give you my undivided attention!

Do not trifle with me.
I assure you, if nothing else, I have more stamina.

I told the girl to write down what she THINKS she should be allotted to spend each month on: clothing, food, entertainment, the nice car she wants (she's dying for a yellow Porsche), the kick ass apartment she wants to live in, etc.

The list went on.

In her modest estimate, she came up with needing $8,000 a month to live how she would like to be accustom to living.

Good...Lord...

I was generous. I didn't even give them minimum wage jobs. I gave them $7.00 an hour and a full 40 hour work week.

Well, this is going to be especially painful for her.

The money to live on a month came to something like $1,030.00. Given with the warning, that a lot of places around here hire people at minimum wage or close to it and don't give a 40 hour week so they don't have to pay medical.

Then I went thru the costs of living actual life: Car payment, car insurance, health insurance, renters insurance, medications, food, gas & electric, rent, haircuts, clothing, furniture, day to day items, birthdays, Christmas, etc, etc.

I looked over at the boy who was just staring at his paper.
"Write down your 7-11 wages already. What are you waiting for?"

Man...if looks could kill.

But he can't look at me like that or his life might be over, so he had to settle for looking like that at his paper, grunting and moving his pencil...but he wanted to look at me that way! You could just feel it in the air.

This makes me feel better about torturing him.
I am doing my job.

"Fine, write down your McDonald's wages then. I really don't care where you work."

Meanwhile, my daughter is furiously subtracting figures from her start total. She's HORRIFIED. She was immediately $7,000.00 in the hole.

"Uh...You're going to have to rethink your money choices, little girl."

She was NOT happy.
It was like a two for one day.

When teaching it, reality is best served up cold and with a smile!

My daughter is actually taking this very seriously. She reluctantly gave up her Porsche and the enormous car insurance payment that went along with it. She settled for a Honda, I think. Her clothing allotment dropped down to nothing. She was just comment after comment talking to herself out loud.

It was hilarious.

My son, just to piss me off, announces he's going buy a motorcycle and live off the land.
stare

I swear to God, I could be a warden and run a prison just fine. I'm a leader. I motivate people. I could start a freakin' cult and have a thousand followers within a year's time. I could start a revolt! Yet, two children, of my own flesh and blood, insist on testing me...

"What land?! And we live in New York, you can't ride a motorcycle all year here."
"Behind the parking lot."
are you kidding me.....

"Really.  You want to live behind my car.  Well, this is as good a time as any to let you know that an acre of land out here goes for $100,000. It's....not....free....someone OWNS that land. You can't just put up a tent and call it HOME."

I threw a wrench into his whole plan.

By the time I turned my attention to the girl, she had a roommate and was splitting the rent and the utilities. This is where I informed her that that was a sound move. Then I gave her the bad news, "You know they'll be sharing the fridge with you too then, right?"

My daughter is 4'7" and 94 lbs at this point. She's at least a year behind in her growth between the Type I Diabetes and Celiac disease.

That said, she LOVES her food. That child out eats everyone I know. There is really no reason in the world that she's not the size of a moose. Bottomless pit. Our walking, breathing, garbage disposal. And she's PROUD of it.

Hey, more power to her...

The roommate deal is OFF. She has also decided that electricity was optional and ultimately unnecessary. She told me she would just light candles, her friends will think she lives in this exotic atmosphere.

"Well, you could go that route....but how do you think the refrigerator and microwave run?"
"AWWWW MAN!"
"Speaking of friends, where are they going to sit? You don't have any furniture."
"THEY WILL SIT ON THE FLOOR WITH ME AND THEY'LL LIKE IT OR LEAVE!"

She goes back to scheming and trying to Machiavelli her way thru her finances.

This went on for FIVE hours.

I leaned over and asked the boy how he was doing on his gas station wages - he was hardly amused, but finally participating. He didn't understand how people could survive like that. I told him that people do it every day and that's his future if he doesn't come up with a plan.

The girl's paper was scribbled on the front and the back, complete with footnotes and margin comments. Her final draft was a studio apartment by herself, either within walking distance from work or with a pocket full of bus passes, living on tuna fish and rice and begging to do her laundry at my house. She finally said out loud that she wasn't living like this, she's becoming a lawyer.

I asked the girl what she learned. She said...completely straight-faced and serious....




"...being poor SUCKS?"
There was NO holding back the laughter.

I asked the boy what he learned.
He said he learned he needed a new plan.
......................close enough.