cricket killer

[I promised a little while ago that I would post my own "Buddha" reference story. I wrote this about 3 years ago and ran across it not that long ago. My stint back in Florida that I'm talking about in this write up took place in 1987... and I can still SEE those little bastards if I close my eyes!]

I've always heard crickets.
I've always hated crickets.

I've seen dead ones at the pet store. Those little, brown, flat ones they sell. I don't like them. I wouldn't even buy a pet that I had to feed them to. Gross.

Matter of fact, when I lived in Maryland, they use to keep me awake with all the freakin' noise they make. I'm use to sirens and people noise and cop cars.

I like that.

I don't like silence broken by bugs singing or whatever weird thing they're doing with their ugly little legs.

To my dismay, I got to see a few live ones recently and I'm telling you flat out...I DON'T LIKE THEM!

Now, I'm not squeamish about bugs. Though the way I see it is, if you're not paying rent in my house and I can't use you as a tax deduction - well, you can't live here and/or you must die.

Being in New York, when it's damp out in the spring - we get things called House Centipedes. They're ugly, big ass bugs that I can't deal with until I know they're dead if I happen to see one. They're freakin' FAST, too. I can't let it go. If it takes me 4 hours, it takes me 4 hours, but I WILL find it.

Meaning, I will DESTROY an entire room, or first floor of a house, just to ensure that it's DEAD... I see that as a worthwhile endeavor...

Did you know that regular centipedes are poisonous? I had no idea until a friend of mine told me that. Never crossed my mind before. I don't play with them, just slaughter them.

The House ones aren't poisonous, just the regular bastards are. They do carry venom, but it should just irritate a human unless you're allergic to them. Supposedly it's like a bee sting.

Don't know for sure, I've never lost a wrestling match with one of them.

We get some silverfish here, too. They creep me out as well. Silverfish are smaller and have less legs. I really don't like anything that has more than a few legs. Those damn centipedes have 15.

FIFTEEN!

I'm alright with spiders, generally. I have a little bit of respect for them. I at least feel a little bad when I have to end their lives. I'll chuck them outside if I can.

Everything else MUST DIE though!

I love this tip I found on some website: "Techniques for eliminating centipedes from the home include drying up the areas where they could thrive"

........know what works much better? A shoe and splattering their little guts all over the wall... I'm just saying..

Not to discount the Palmetto bugs in Florida when I lived in Ft. Myers and Cape Coral.
Oh my GOD...

My ex and I had just arrived after a 16 hour drive from Maryland to Florida, straight through. The area is beautiful. It was all balmy and pretty and just gorgeous. We went to his mother's house and we're all sitting in the screen enclosed patio area with a large pool and plenty of room.

Then I heard it. ::SNAP::::SNAP::...wtf... it seemed like I was the only one that noticed it. I let it go for awhile, but the whole time it was just ::SNAP::::SNAP:: (pause)...::SNAP::SNAP::

I'm only good for so long...

"What in the HELL is that NOISE?!"
"Oh, it's the alligators. NEVER go out of the enclosed patio area at night"
fuck...........what?

Then they took me to the edge of the screened patio and with hand motions told me that if you live in Cape Coral, you can get to anywhere by boat. Then proceeded to tell me that I'd be a total moron if I ever did that and pointed down the short cliff to where the snapping sound was coming from.

stare
Jesus...

Later that night I was sitting in their living room and noticed something green run across the kitchen floor.

blink
Lizard.
twitch

"You're kidding me, right?"
"Oh, no - don't worry about them. They're completely harmless"

maybe so, BUT I'M NOT!

The next morning after a fairly sleepless night, I pulled back the shower curtain in the bathroom and I admit it, I screamed some obscenity.

My ex came running in and then he did exactly what I didn't need him to do.
HE screamed.
PERFECT!

And there stood a Palmetto bug looking at us from the bottom of the tub with pure disdain as if we had just ruined his day and he hadn't even had his morning coffee yet.

I yelled, "GET THE GUN!" - and I was dead serious.

He informed me that they didn't have a gun in the house.
"Well, then we need to go get one RIGHT NOW"

Then the THREE INCH porcelain lover fucking FLEW at us.

THAT'S IT!
I started packing.

Lizards, alligators, steroid induced Florida roaches.........

FUCK THAT!
GET IN THE CAR!

It took him pushing me out of the house into the garage, into the car and the following two hours to talk me down from getting right back on the road to Maryland. You know Maryland, where they only have poisonous Copperheads and bats.

This write up about them is funny... and... accurate.

If you haven't been to Southern Florida then I can't stress how big and ugly they are. And they're certainly NOT afraid of your dumb ass. They're aggressive. It's like they get all indignant because you're a guest in their house and clearly they don't appreciate the disrespect OR the intrusion.

A week later I was cheering on the lizards because they EAT the Palmetto bugs.
The salamanders become your friends, quickly.

We rented our own villa by the end of that week. It was that or I was leaving. Seriously, no one needs to see the food chain up close and personal in their own living room.

Anyway...

Last night I was sitting on my porch. I don't know what the hell happened, but I got swarmed with: crickets, grasshoppers, moths, mosquitoes and these inch long black beetles. It was like a scene out of the Bible. I was NOT happy.
Crickets.......
(see my first two sentences of this post)

The crickets from last night are the closest thing in size that I've seen in this state as compared to the Palmetto bugs in Florida.

flashbacks

Unless some bug is too high for me to reach...and I'm creative when I want to be...I'm the designated bug killer. Both of my kids look to me to kill them.

My daughter use to be hysterical about it. She would scream and then instead of running away, she will just liquefy them.

she is obviously missing the "flight" part of the 'fight or flight' response like I am.

Normally when she kills a bug, we have to repaint, it's that bad. So, it's better if I do the killing anyway. Truthfully, it doesn't happen too often, but when it does - I have ZERO issue with it.

That is...

...Unless they're big enough that I think I can shoot them with a gun... or have a crunchy shell...forget it..I'd MUCH rather someone else get the job done. I happened to be the only one out on the porch last night though, so I was sort of stuck.

If there is a mosquito in a 25 mile radius, it WILL find my husband. - they don't tend to bite me too often. So when he gets irritated, he generally just goes inside. That's why I was left alone with the creatures of the night last night.

I had a Mexican stand off with a cricket while trying to get into the house to get some more coffee. It was standing between me and the front door.

The result was me getting pissed off and taking a stack of papers and swooping it out of the way. It traveled four feet and went RIGHT into the water dish we use for the neighborhood cats. It was purely a lucky shot.

GOOD.
DROWN!

I went in, got my coffee and let the little bastard choke to death. Or so I thought. I came back out and sat down on my chair with my laptop and all I could hear was this flapping sound. The sonofabitch was trying to get OUT of the bowl.

I was not so secretly hoping for it's wings to get tired and he'd sink to the bottom and just DIE already!

This went on for HOURS.
LITERALLY.
It's a sick sound, really.


After a few hours the bugs were just out in full force. Not little annoying bugs. Ridiculously large bugs. It was so bad that I started feeling all itchy. Then I slowly drove myself mad fending them off whenever they'd get close.

I also discovered that I only know exactly three words when in a situation like last night.

FUCKER
Motherfucker...
and...
Cocksucker!

Fast forward to this afternoon when my husband and I came back out to the porch. He noted the bug and moved on with his day.

He was NOT being very sympathetic to my fucking plight...

My son came out and I told him to go look at the size of the cricket. He was grossed out. I told him to poke it and see if it was dead or not. He told me it wasn't, he saw it move.

I thought he was kidding.

My husband was busy ignoring both of us while on his laptop, eventually the boy went back in the house.

I peered into the bowl and damned if it wasn't.
I start thinking of ways to make it dead.

I mentioned bleach.
What did I get for my efforts?

"Don't put bleach in the cat's bowl!"
Fine...
How about muriatic acid?
lighter fluid?
NAIL POLISH REMOVER?!

"Do we have Raid?!"
"Yeah, I think somewhere."

thank you, you've been a great fucking help...

I looked everywhere. I couldn't find any bug killer or anything that might work in place of it that would be satisfactory to my husband.

I did find a long ass, 18' lighter though...

So, I tried to burn it's head.
They have a HARD, CRUNCHY HEAD and APPARENTLY, it DOES NOT BURN.
I'm pretty sure the cricket looked up at me and mumbled something like, "go fuck yourself".

I took a metal rod out of one of the plant pots I have out here and stuck it into the water bowl...........AND THE FUCKER GRABBED ONTO IT!

I lost it.

So I'm standing there, like an ass, holding this rod with a cricket latched to the end of it. I don't want to bring it out of the water because if it flies at me, I'm going to lose my mind. I turned it over and held the little bastard under water for what should have been long enough to kill a human.

Nothing.
The motherfucker was still alive.

Now, I'm yelling at my husband.

"This fucking thing isn't DEAD!"
He's unmoved

He tells me to dump out the water bowl over the side of the ledge. Uh, no. A) I'm not sticking my hand in it to take the bowl out of the stupid casing and B) I'm NOT dumping it over the side, it'll just live and come back to fuck with me later...and C) I'm pretty sure it would be back because at this point, I'm certain it wants ME dead.

"COME HERE!"
"What the hell do you want me to do about it?"

Now, I understand that my husband of over a decade, isn't use to me needing others to do anything, but.....COME ON!

"I WANT YOU TO COME HERE AND KILL THIS FUCKING THING!"
Did I really HAVE to say that out loud?!
Mind you, I'm still holding the other end of the rod like an ass.

"But you seem so determined to torture it."
stare

He took the rod from me, wiped the monster cricket off on the side of the bowl and picked it up.

"Uh, you're not going to dump that out, are you? It'll fly away!"
"Yeah, maybe"
if it gets away, he's next.... I know how to kill a human...

He poured the water out and the bug with it, then he smashed it with a boot.
I was unconvinced.

"SMASH HIM AGAIN!"

"His guts are splayed on the floor"
"I'm not convinced he's not indestructible!
and I'm NOT

"Do you SEE the guts?!"
"DO IT!"

he gave me that, "you are obviously having a psychotic meltdown" look, but did it anyway...

Yeayyy!

House of Razors and Vines - 1
Monster Crackhead Cricket on Steroids - 0

Then he pushed it down the steps.

...and let that be a lesson to crickets everywhere! I did mention putting its body on a stick.....you know, like in Braveheart...that was hardly well received either......

I've checked on it's dead carcass about 12 times now. I half expect to look down on the lawn and see a note where his dead ass once was that says, "I'll be back!"

Bastard.

I could NEVER be a Buddhist...
All life IS NOT precious!

---

Correction: Thanks to two friends of mine who informed me that this is a cicada and not a freakishly large cricket. So, technically, this should be called Cicada Killer, not Cricket Killer. Whatever! Kill them all! - signed, A Roman Catholic...