J.D.

A friend of mine, who I talked about briefly in a recent post - did, indeed, stop by the house the house last week while he was in New York. I need to give him a name. We'll call him J.D. - in honor of John Douglas. He'd understand that. He lives about 1200 miles away, so I only see him once or twice a year at best.

J.D. and I have been friends for about 14 years. Good friends. By good friends, I mean - I'd give him bone marrow if he needed it. He's also told me in the past that he would take a bullet for me. So, we're good.

"Bone Marrow? Sure. Let me get a grapefruit spoon and a straw so I can get it out for you. How much do you need again? No problem. It's yours. Done."

This proclamation, however, in no way precludes us from harassing the shit out of each other. It's part of our charm together. It's expected.

We have a pattern...

If any conversation of ours doesn't result in him pushing my buttons to the point of me:

1) Calling him a Jackass.
2) Telling him to Bite me.
3) Telling him to Fuck Off.

...then the conversation simply isn't over yet.
Alright, fine... I admit, calling it charm might be a stretch.

There's good reason why I can count the times we've been out among the public on one hand.

Grant was sufficiently HORRIFIED by how we converse with each other and how relentless we are at it. It's simply the nature of our relationship and we understand it perfectly and don't get offended.

It's brutal honesty at its finest and even though to the naked eye it seems horrendous - it's never hurtful.

Harassing, hardcore button pushing and unfit for human consumpti0n - YES.
Hurtful and malicious though - NEVER.

It's not easy to find relationships that are so blatantly honest while maintaining the fine balance of being loyal and devoted at the same time. When I find people that I can be that way with, I never let them go. Those people are worth more than gold to me, easily.

He's hard-headed and opinionated and difficult and stubborn - and usually right. He makes snap judgments and isn't very quiet about them and doesn't much care for people - and doesn't understand why I talk to anyone and everyone.

I'm the social butterfly to his antisocial, "I hate everyone" way of life.

He likes to camp and do outdoor activities and just rolls his eyes when I tell him that, "No, I'm not going camping. People have jobs so they DON'T have to live like that. Why in the hell would I do that? What's wrong with you..."

I've learned a TON from just knowing him all these years.
He's the reason I studied profiling.

When I was taking my courses, he would be the first to tell me which professor he thought was an idiot and why. In large part, due to him, I was a teachers worst nightmare and best wet dream.

I was surprised on a daily basis when I would log into my school account and find that my password would still work and I wasn't banned from the classes over something he had pointed out to me or simply said, "does that sound right to you?" - and then I would build some case to support every aspect I could think of as to why I didn't agree.

We've discussed everything from sociology to tree fucking.
Yes, you read that correctly.

We happened to be online together when some HBO special about people with a fetish for trees came on. So, OF COURSE, that had to be watched together. Oh my God, there was no way that could be on without a running commentary from both of us.

I have to admit, tree fucking had never occurred to either one of us.

When I start the sentence with, "I polled my male friends to find an answer..." about some strange behavior they do that I'm trying to figure out - he's the first one I start with.

Prime example: "Why on earth do you people have that little pocket sewn into boxers? I can't figure it out"... "For condoms" ... "If I had a million years, I never would have guessed that one. I kept coming back to a bizarre place to keep loose change..."

The odder the question I can think of, the better it is for me - because if I can make him pause for any reason whatsoever, I'm a happy person because it's not easy to do.

I was on the phone with him when 9/11 happened. We were talking while I was having my morning coffee and had CNN on in the background when the first plane hit. I told him to turn on the news real quick.

The first thing out of his mouth was, "That's a terrorist attack" - I'm little Ms. Benefit of the Doubt, "How could you possibly know that? Maybe the pilot passed out and lost control. Maybe there's something wrong with the plane. Maybe he had a heart attack. Maybe he went into insulin shock. " - No, he was dead on.

Even being 1200 miles away, he's been by my side for every crisis and tragedy that's come up over the years. He's talked me down more than once too.

We've been through: weddings, divorce, deaths, wakes, trips to the cemetery, legal issues, schooling, new jobs, promotions, dates, melancholy, anger and clocked hundreds of hours of phone time together.

Every time I started a new game, he would have to go out and update his computer - if not buy an entirely new one just to find me again. There have been many after work trips to CompUSA where I had to be on the phone listening to him complain about me while buying new computer parts.

There's usually some, "I don't even know why I talk to you" comments thrown in the mix during those trips. Which are followed up with, "Stop complaining and just buy the fucking part and hurry up. I'm waiting!"

I'll never forget the time I made him go out and buy the Sims. It really wasn't a well thought out plan on my part. Every day I'd get some note about how he was making me clean toilets at his house and how I was never happy and burning down his kitchen.

He would go on and on about how I always had to talk to everyone in the neighborhood and would always invite them into his house to eat all of his food when he just wanted to watch TV and sleep.

Then it occurred to me that he never let me die in the game and that led to a lot of, "A-ha! See, you DO love me!" remarks - which just served to make him insane and not talk to me for a few days.

Let's face it though... it's easy to kill people off in the Sims game... put them in the pool and remove the ladder so they can't get out, eventually they'll drown... put them in a room and remove the door and eventually they'll starve to death... make a room with a ton of floor to ceiling windows and eventually spontaneous combustion will occur...

I once got a phone call when he was at WalMart shopping for soap and listened to a 20 minute speech about how he just wanted a fucking bar of soap. MAN soap. He didn't want to smell like a fruit or a flower, he just wanted regular soap. WHERE WAS IT?!

Do I look like I have the map layout of all WalMart stores all over the freakin' country?!...

Hours and hours went by on the front porch...
...and then it happened

He told me that his wife would like to have children soon. It took him nearly four hours to tell me, but he finally did.

It took him nearly four hours for a reason.
He knew what the result would be.

He's a smart one....he knew what was coming immediately after that statement...

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, it was ON and I got to illicit all three responses that he usually gets out of me during a conversation. It was beautiful.

Apparently, at some point over the last decade and a half I had cursed him with the thought of having 5 girls - and clearly, he never forgot I said that.

Which still makes me laugh! I can't remember what stupid thing he said to me to make me wish five girl children on him, but I'm certain he so richly deserved it...

Grant kept trying to diffuse the conversation; which included me pointing out all of the things he was going to have to give up, in great detail, as soon as this little girl bundle of joy came into play.

Grant would pipe in with something like, "Kids are the best! Whatever you have to give up will be worth it!" - and I would say something like, "Yeah, take advice from the guy who doesn't have any kids!"

Within ten minutes, J.D. was talking about having to go to Elmo Concerts instead of being able to go away for the weekend with his buddies. I whole-heartedly agreed with J.D. - and then threw in what kid parties are like and how he can kiss sleep away as a thing of the past.

Then Grant would try another angle and I looked at J.D. and said, "Have I ever in my life lied to you?!" - to which he promptly said, "Never."

Which is true... good or bad, I never lie to him and God knows he never freakin' lies to me even when it's in his best interest ... not saying that sometimes it wouldn't be kinder to lie to each other, but it never plays out that way and that's how we like it... it's not for everyone... again though, no malice...

Then the idea of some daughter of his starting to date came to mind and I took that and ran with it. He's probably at home cleaning his guns right now. Grant had to leave the porch. When he thought the coast was clear to come back and we had moved on - and found that we hadn't, he said, "Wow... you guys are brutal..."

J.D. and I looked at each other and laughed and I said, "If things were in reverse, wouldn't you be doing the same thing to me?" and J.D. said, "Absolutely!!"

It's our understanding.
It's how we show affection.

If I simply said, "That's nice. Congratulations." he would look at me like he didn't know me anymore, like I didn't care about him anymore and that I needed to be institutionalized.

and he'd be the first one to want to sign his name on the commitment papers to have them take me away... smartass...

When he left, we did our usual, "I love you" responses and I told him to text me when he got back home so I knew he was alive. All standard stuff.

He wasn't gone five minutes before I got a text message that read, "Jackass"
laughs

So I replied back immediately with, "...and then there's the circus and I bet she'll con you into buying her a kitten!"
he hates cats...

What I didn't have to say is...

He's going to be one of the best dad's ever invented. That kid will have all the love any child could ever want or need. He'll never let that child down and I already know that he would die for her and she's not even here yet. She'll have him wrapped around her tiny little finger and he'll do right by her; her entire life.

He's as loyal as they make them and any child would be lucky to have him as a parent. They'll learn a lot and be prepared for life. They'll get to experience a lot and he'll take the time necessary.

I was honest with him about everything and he's been with me for all but three years of raising my own kids. Through sicknesses and diseases and teenage life.

One time something happened with my daughter and it hit me so hard that I was beside myself - and it just took a, "What's the matter with you? You'll handle it just fine like always" from him to put me right back on track.

Twelve little words.
It was because those 12 little words came from him.

I value him.
I'm proud of him.

He's ex-military, former Cop and now a business owner. We've been through all of that together too. I use to hate when he was a Police Officer. He'd talk to me before going to work and then he'd make sure I knew he was home alive and safe because I would worry.

We've been partners for years on a Christmas for kids program.

I made him upgrade his computer one time because I decided to play EverQuest and if I did it, he had to do it too. I ran the guild and he was my right-hand security - for four years.

Not that anyone can ever really make J.D. do anything - he does love to blame me though... which is fine with me...

He couldn't make it when I got married due to work, but he sent me a giant floral arrangement that showed up the day before.

We've been through countless football seasons together, to the point where I got asked to be in a Fantasy Football League that I went all Beyonce obsessed over and on a regular basis I would get notes from him saying, "How the fuck did *I* become the football widow here?!" - all to which the reply was always something like, "Quit whining and turn on your TV and tell me the local score! God Almighty, stop giving me shit already!"

We've never dated. We've never been inappropriate with each other (well, not in that way anyway). We've always been close though.

I've also given up on the idea of ever having my make-up fully on or my hair fully dried when he comes to see me - and he couldn't care less. Of course, he doesn't think anything of calling me at 6am to tell me he's around the corner of my house either. Jackass. So much for fair warning, right?

One time he called me from the airport and said, "I took a look through your Women's magazines while you were in the other room. I had no idea it was all smut!" - he makes me laugh.

He's probably learned more about women from me and our why's of things than anyone else. I've also learned what gets to men the most from him. He's a wealth of information in that area. He routinely thinks he's going to Hell for it, but he tells me the secrets anyway.

He justifies it by saying that he doesn't really care as long as I'm not using the information against him.

I could literally call him up and say anything and no matter how fucked it sounded; he'd back me. Of course, he also keeps telling me that he'd arrest me if he had to too...ass...

I would not trade him in for the world.
Even if I have made the statement that there are some days I would trade him in for a half a stick of gum when he pisses me off...

We use to go to the same chat site where people would watch us go back and forth together and more than once someone has said that they would buy a book we wrote together. As if we could ever possibly stay focused enough to actually put anything into print. One of us would probably stab the other with a pencil at some point before we ever made it over to the computer.

Speaking of pencils...

He knows that I hate pencils and sporks. I find them to be tools for indecisive people. Put it in ink if you mean it! Pick a fork or a spoon for the love of God - STOP FENCE SITTING.

So, naturally, he once sent me a box of sporks that he collected from every KFC he's ever fucking been to for a few years.
Really, who the hell does that...

He also once made me an animated .gif featuring talking sporks.
Because he's insane.
And he'd like to take me with him.
Seriously, who the hell does that...

I asked him once if he thought we could work together and then he went into this long speech about how we're like those two kids in forth grade that have to constantly be separated and moved away from each other because we're always causing a commotion in class together and not getting anything done.

It was probably a good analogy.
Basically, we're idiots together.

Someone once made the distinct mistake of saying something wrong and unwarranted about me and even though he doesn't know I saw it - I watched him shred them to pieces. He never told me, but I know.

He never hesitates to point out my flaws to me, but God forbid someone else says something wrong about me in front of him.

He's the kind of friend that could come to me and hand me a bloody knife and say, "Could you hold this for me for awhile" and I would do it. A lethal injection order could come down on my head and I wouldn't give him up.

By the same token, I wouldn't think anything of setting his car on fire if he pissed me off that much either (We both instinctively know this too...) - AND I WOULDN'T EXPECT HIM TO TURN ME IN EITHER.

I should tell him where this journal is just so he can read that above paragraph...laughs

He probably wouldn't either.

We both know that if I set his shit on fire, he's done something very wrong and deserved it.

He'd man up and take it.
throw some dirt on it, walk it off...

We've fought about hundreds of things.

God, Politics, Religion, People, Astrology, Animals, Social Issues, Laws, Family, Friends, Normalcy... yes, we've even fought about what's normal and not normal... the list goes on...

More than once one of us has yelled, "It's a good thing you're 1200 miles away!" - and meant it. More than once someone ELSE has asked us if we even like each other. Then we unite like we're blindsided Siamese twins, "Of course we do. I'd give up a kidney for him/her. How could you even ask that?"

I got in torture J.D. mode one day and asked him if he'd cry if I died. I don't even know why I asked that, probably to make him uncomfortable. The final answer was, "No, I'll be too busy building a shrine to you in the garage so I wouldn't have to think about you being dead."

For some sick reason, that answer still makes me laugh.
It was a good answer!

...and there better be a motherfucking shrine in his garage next to his beloved fucking car when I die because if there isn't, I WILL haunt him!

All his former little girlfriends have always wanted to be friends with me. I find that odd, but it use to happen all the time.

I've met most of his family.

He was nervous that day. Probably because I snuck away to go talk to them alone and in peace when he left me unattended and he knows how dangerous that can be...laughs... which, serves him right for leaving me unattended in the first place.

I once took him to my dad's house. I sat there in horror while the two of them exchanged stories. Fair is fair though.

throw some dirt on it, walk it off...

I joke that our first "date" was to a cemetery. It wasn't a date, but it's still funnier to put it that way. I know where every family member of his is in the cemetery down the street from my house. I remember saying to him, "Where's our second date going to be? Slaughterhouse? Prison visit? Mental ward?"

We've had a million discussion about protocol. I have no idea why he asks me anything like that. No matter what I tell him, he seems to find a way to mangle it.

Like one Halloween, when he first bought his house and I told him he had to buy candy to pass out. Of course, he didn't and when some little girl came to his door he had to hand her a $20.00 bill and then shut all the lights off and pretend he wasn't home for the rest of the night.

I told him if he wasn't going to buy candy the next year that he should put Police tape across his door.

Okay, so maybe he shouldn't come to me over protocol questions because giving the funny-to-me answer is too tempting sometimes...

I serve as his woman-to-man translator.

"What does, "it's fine" mean... because I don't get the feeling that it's fine!"... "God, what did you do now to piss her off?"... then I usually get some story that makes me stare at the ceiling for a few minutes before translating for him...

I once elicited his advice about an uncomfortable situation I was in. My former husband and another male friend, who J.D. knew too, rented a movie that they hadn't seen and I had - and there was some sex scene in it and I really didn't want to be sitting on the couch next to both of them when that came on.

I asked J.D. how to handle it.

He told me to turn the tables and instead of being horrified; to start narrating. To start discussing how size matters and what questions I could ask and a slew of comments I could make.

Oh my God.
It was hysterical.

He was like, "What's the matter with you? Take control of the situation and I swear to God no one will utter a solitary word. You won't be the uncomfortable one then!"

It was great advice.

...and a very simple way to get a sex scene fast forwarded without having to be the one that does it.

I once called him from a bookstore to tell him that some guy was following me around and it was creeping me out. He told me to go to the True Crime section and announce to the guy that I was looking for tips - and to be sure to say it with a smile on my face.

That was also great advice.
Strange men will leave you alone after you say that.

He's the one that had to explain to me what the question, "How's it hanging?"...and answer: "to the left" meant. I never got that; nor did it make any kind of sense to me until he explained that it's a positioning issue with men. They hang to one side or the other.

WHO KNEW?!

It would never cross my mind to ask someone how they're hanging; for a number of reasons...

a) who cares
b) why would I want to know
c) WHO CARES?!

Nothing is sacred.
Obviously.

Naturally, this led to me going off about the merits of, "if I was a guy, I think I'd want to be straight up in briefs; not flying free in boxers, so I knew where everything was at all times and was contained" - that seems logical to me. It doesn't seem to be so logical to the entire male population though (not that I really understand why it doesn't, but I have noted that it doesn't).

This would fall under the category of a conversation that never needed to take place.

Pretty much like 90% of our conversations.

The more I sit here, the more I think of other things.
I'll spare you.
Your eyes are probably glazing over by now.

What I do know for sure, is that he's going to be a great father.
That kid is very, very lucky.
Let me re-phrase that... that GIRL is going to be very, very lucky...