Asphyxia

Yes, Asphyxia.
That's the word of the day.
It's also the condition I've had to fight every morning since Friday.

The logical thing for you to wonder right now after reading that is...
...why?
I'll tell you why!

The cat clearly went online and studied this image of a cunning tactical maneuver from wikipedia and then came back to sit on my chest in my sleep and try it out on me.

That's, why!



Grant has been in Maryland since last Wednesday.
My daughter is spending the weekend at her best friend's house.
It's just been Roadkill* and I for the last three days.

Usually, the I-would-like-to-live-in-the-washing-machine-if-only-that-woman-with-the-long-dark-brown-hair-would-die, I-don't-believe-for-one-second-you-don't-have-anymore-ham, if-the-bathroom-door-is-closed-I-will-stick-my-whole-paw-up-to-my-arm-underneath-the-door-to-freak-you-out, if-my-tail-gets-stuck-under-the-rocking-chair-it's-clearly-YOUR-fault-and-not-mine, I-can-take-the-steps-five-at-a-time, I-lounge-in-the-shower-for-fun ANIMAL........ sleeps with my daughter.

Since the girl child hasn't been here in two nights, the animal sleeps with me.
Or rather, on me.
Or rather, is trying to suffocate me.

I was on the phone with Grant yesterday when Roadkill* came bounding down the steps with something in her mouth.

stares at the ceiling

A sink stopper.
Or... a shower stopper.
All I know for sure is I've never seen it before.

Grant mentioned he bought one, but it should still be in plastic because it was the wrong size.

I yelled, I swear to God, "TAKE THAT BACK UPSTAIRS!" to Roadkill*.

She literally stopped in her tracks, stared at me for a few seconds - and then ran it back upstairs.

That's funny!

Of course, three minutes later, she ran it back downstairs because, really, what else was she going to do with it? Technically, she did EXACTLY what I told her to do though.

I should have been more specific.

Mind you, Grant is still laughing on the phone while I'm giving a soliloquy about how she has switched from paper to plastic and now from plastic to rubber - and about how I own a shed, a garage and a cistern and how she may end up living in one of them.

I've also learned this weekend that I can use, "for fuck's sake, animal!" in a sentence 800 unique, highly detailed and differently pitched ways.

Not particularly useful information, but good to know nonetheless.
Hey, it's a gift!

She sits like this at least half of the time.


Saying, "We are not a Meerkat" means nothing to her.

This is how I found her when I got out of the shower last night.
No, I can't take a shower alone - it's like having a toddler in the house again.

I freely admit that throwing handfuls of water over the top of the shower on her probably shouldn't be as amusing as I find it to be. Whatever.

Oh, and for the record, "Can I pee in peace?!" means nothing to her either.
This just provokes her to stick her arm under the door.

Anyway, I was wrapped up in a towel and I'm a sucker, so I leaned over to pet her and since I didn't have my hair wrapped up in a towel...she got rained on.

This promoted her to put her ears back and if there was a balloon caption over her head it would have read, "WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!"

She stayed sitting up like in the picture above and got frustrated trying to catch the drops of water in between her paws.

She was quite determined.
And soaked by the end of it.
And still sitting up like a prairie dog.

Apparently, MY mental deficit is that if you're willing to sit there and act like an ass, I will exploit it.

She's cute...in a terrorist sort of way.