Top Three Things!

Maybe it is just me, but when it comes to what I'm suppose to value - I couldn't care less what any "expert" has to say about anything.

Grant puts far more stock in what leading experts have concluded when it comes to a lot of things than I do. He looks at movie reviews with great interest. He does research on whatever he's going to buy.

If I like it, I buy it.
If I want to see it, I'll watch it.
If I have to live it, I'll make my own choices, thank you very much.

Pretty much since the very beginning of our relationship, we've maintained the same debate. Once upon a time he made what I'm sure he's considering a huge mistake by now, a point of asking me what I thought the three most important things were in a relationship.

I said:

1) I have to like you.
2) Comfortable silence.
3) Freedom

He said:

1) Love
2) Respect
3) Trust

I would not be surprised to find out that we both took the phones away from our ears just to stare at where what the other person said came out of.

To me, his list shouldn't even be optional. It shouldn't even have to be said. To me, that's no different than having a list that reads:

1) They must have a pulse.
2) They must not be an axe murderer.
3) They must not be someone that pokes you with an ice pick as a form of humor.

This lead to a debate about how I can never listen to anyone else and all of the experts that say that his list of how things should be ranked - has no credit in my eyes.

I agreed.
It doesn't have any credit in my eyes.

Did a whole panel of experts have to use $4 mil in funding to sit around and come up with that list over a period of 30 years? You could probably ask any 6 year old off the street and they could tell you for the price of an ice cream cone within 10 seconds.

It's not that those things are unimportant. They are very important. But again, to me, it's like having the following list:

1) They must be human.
2) They must have the majority of their organs on the inside of their body.
3) They must not be a dirt eater who quacks to get your attention and thinks the car has some kind of magical power that allows them to communicate with aliens and elves.

Really?
Do those things need to be said?

If they do, I'll recant my list and change it to:

1) They must not be a serial killer that likes to pose as a clown.
2) They must not have gills.
3) They must not want to turn my house into a crack den.

Sorry, can't love you if you're a serial killer clown, can't trust you if you turn my house into a crack den and can't respect you if you breathe through gills...

My list defined:

1) I have to like you.

I have categories.
Right or wrong, that's what I have.

I like you.
I love you.
I dislike you immensely.
I hate your fucking guts.

Those four categories stand alone and on their own merits. I can love you, but not like you. I can like you and not love you. I can dislike you immensely and still love you. I can hate your fucking guts - and, well, then you're just pretty much screwed as a general rule.

I don't really trust the term "in-love" at all.

That's an emotion and emotions are fickle and ever-changing and nothing you can really count on as far as I'm concerned.

If I like you, it's because I like how we interact with each other.

if I like you, I'll stick around forever in some capacity...20 years can pass without seeing you and I'll still like you because we click in some unexplainable way...

If I love you, it's because I think as a stand alone entity, there is something phenomenal about you. I think you're an exceptional human being. I think you stand for something I admire in some way. I think you offer something of value to the world at large and I'm glad you exist.

just because I love you, does not, in any way, mean that I want to see your face in my living room day after day for the rest of my life..

If I dislike you, it's because you lack common ethics that I find vital or you offend my very senses.

If I hate your fucking guts, it's because you've pissed me off in a really horrendous way, I can't stand your ethics (or you don't own any) or you've hurt me or my family in some unforgivable way.

I'm not the forgive and forget type. I don't even know what that means. If you've wronged me, I have to be able to justify it or reason it out in some way. I will look very hard for a loophole for you and if there's one to find, I'll find it. If there isn't - you just simply have to be out of my life because then it was based on nothing more than malice because I truly don't deserve that, ever, and I don't need it in my life, ever.

These things are all very real in a tangible way.

I know that probably comes across as fairly callus, but stay with me for a bit. There are days that you're going to do something stupid and I'm going to be irritated with you. There are days I'm going to do something stupid and you're going to be annoyed with me. Welcome to life and not sharing the same brain.

If I like you as a person and you like me as a stand alone person - not as an extension of you, but rather each as solid entities, then we'll survive the day. Not only survive the day, but there's a very good chance nothing will get set on fire either.

If I'm just "in-love" with you - that can change in a heartbeat. That feeling comes about with me when all the planets are in alignment. It's too iffy for my senses. There has to be so much more than that... something solid, something respectable, something to build a foundation on. Something you can count on.

I've been with people I've loved, but not necessarily liked - bad plan.

I've been with people I've liked, but not loved - better plan, but ultimately, not fair in my book and that can't last on that basis alone.

I'm not with people I dislike.

If I hate your fucking guts, I don't even want to see you walking on my street and I'm not about to infuse you into my world.

For a relationship with me to last, I have to legitimately like you.
It's as simple as that.

2) Comfortable silence.

When you're contemplating spending decades with a person, there is going to be some down time. Some point where you've heard all the past stories. Some point where you're tired, sick, old, worn, what have you - and you're going to want to just be.

There's going to be some point where sex isn't your major focus due to illness or age or whatever and you'll be left sitting across from that person you've selected.

You should be able to just sit in a room with that person and just shut the fuck up and everyone be okay with it. Co-existing in peace. Harmony. Tranquility.

You shouldn't feel like you have to perform or the other person is going to get bored with you.

Bliss to me is being able to sit in the same room with someone, reading a book quietly while they're doing whatever it is they're doing, without looking up and thinking, "Man, I'd like to stab that person with a fork after all this time..." - see how that would be bad?

Here's the interwoven part: If you like the person you're with, you shouldn't have that thought!

3) Freedom.

You have, HAVE, to be free to be yourself. Ideally the best version of you that you can be, but free to be you.

If you have to change your core personality to suit someone else - they're the wrong person for you.

I don't mean little habits. If it bothers the other person that they do the dishes and you insist on leaving your half empty coffee mug in the middle of the floor, the person doing the dishes is going to find you fucking annoying.

Does it cost you anything to take the time to put your coffee mug in the dishwasher or the sink? No.

Does it take the same amount of time to put your coffee mug in the sink as it does to walk out into the living room and place it on the floor in the middle of the room? Probably less.

In which case, you're not giving up any time or money - just stop annoying the fuck out of your partner and put your coffee mug in the God damn sink instead.

Those are the things you should examine changing for the sake and harmony of the relationship.

What you should NEVER have to change is fundamental, core personality traits. It never works anyway and even trying to - is very much, work. And I don't care what anyone says, relationships should NOT be work in that way. Ever.

You'll just wind up feeling utterly oppressed and then the scenario about stabbing your partner with a fork will cross your mind - often.

If you're a social person, don't hook up with a monk. You're going to want him to enjoy people like you do or he's going to want you to be a hermit and no one is going to wind up happy.

Eventually the dopamine and the novelty is going to wear off and you're going to want to be you again - and all the chocolate in the world isn't going to save you.

It's reasonable if the social person comes to the conclusion that it's really not okay to invite 180 people over every other day and instead goes out every once in awhile and it's okay if the monk doesn't care if you go out and get your fix of being social without them being forced into it too.

Then you're allowed to be you and they're allowed to be them and all is well.
Curbing is not changing.
That's a working solution!

If the monk expects a social person to take a vow of silence though, you're totally fucked because that can never last - again, not without fork fantasies.

If you love the person you're with, you value them and you want them to be happy and if what makes them happy is being social - let them. It doesn't take a thing away from your monk lifestyle. It does not devalue you.

They're not you. You didn't start out liking them because they were someone else. You liked them the way they were when you met. Why on earth would you want to then change them? Doesn't make sense.

It only makes sense if you didn't like them and thought you could change them.
Bad plan and eventually they'll come to resent you for it - and they should!

So the next time, when that falls apart - find someone you legitimately like and that likes you for who you are, not who they want you to be. Someone should enrich your life, not detract from it.

If you're going to be or feel alone in a relationship, you're better off having the benefits that go along with actually being alone. Then you don't have to do anyone elses laundry either.

So, yeah - I think I'll stick with my own list.
And you should stick with your own list.

Who cares what the "experts" have to say - they're not the ones in the relationship with you.

Now go get your coffee mug off the floor...