I always want to think I'd make a good hostage, but...

I know that's a long title.
You know how my biggest fear is being misunderstood though, so...

So, yeah.

I always want to think I'd make a good hostage, but...
...there are some doubts that keep creeping in.

Come on, it's not like you haven't thought about it before!
You've been in a bank!

I once lived two buildings away from a corner bank. It literally got robbed every day, for a WEEK before they finally put in bullet proof glass from floor to ceiling. It was like clock work.

Anyone remember Marine Midland Bank?

Broad daylight.
Lots of traffic.
Lots of people walking around.
Not a deterrent.
daily... alarms, alarms, alarms... hello, officer... again...

This was also the building I lived in where I shared a roof with a crack house. I was clearly living with someone that didn't belong in the City too - ever in their life. He use to flip out and worry that our stuff was going to get stolen.

blahblahblah

One day after hearing the same speech for the thousandth time, I said, "Oh my God, stop worrying about it! If our stuff gets stolen, I'll just open the window, walk across the roof and steal it back!"

And I would.
And I told the crack dealers that.
And I never had a problem.
And they never had a problem from me.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT GOOD NEIGHBORS DO!

because really, if any of us had anything worth stealing at the time - we wouldn't be living in the City in the first place! Go rob people who actually have something worth robbing.

Good Lord, who cares - I can't even be moved to think about it for more than 5 seconds. Why? Because I already thought about it and came to a conclusion, so now unless some other factor gets introduced, I never need to think about that again.

See how that works?

Which is why I'm still working out the whole hostage thing - because I don't have a working conclusion on that issue yet...

So anyway...
Back to being a hostage.

enough about bank robberies and crack houses for now...

There are still a few delusional brain cells that keep telling me that, yes, I would indeed make a good hostage.

Let's brainstorm.
Where are you likely to be a potential hostage?

- Banks, clearly.
- Airlines.
- McDonald's.
- Possibly the Post Office.
- Train/Subway

I'm iffy on the Train/Subway possibility though. That would be poor planning on the hostage takers part, I think. It's not exactly a scenario where the hostage takers can go, "MAKE A LEFT UP THERE!" to avoid capture or anything.

Oh my God... okay, THERE I would not make a good hostage. There is no way I wouldn't be able to say something like, "You really didn't think this out very well, did you, amateur..."

You're more likely to be blown up on a train or subway anyway, I imagine. In which case, you're just fucked and who cares and it's not worth thinking about. The odds are not in your favor.

It's like if my plane is about to crash.
I assume that I'm just going to wind up dead.

I can't even be bothered to devote any time to calculate who I'm going to eat first. Don't care.

Oh, sure, I'll probably spent the last 20 seconds I have before we all plunge to our deaths to make some kind of rude comment, but in the end, we'll all just resemble a bunch of pancakes and that's that.

And even if I say something in my last 20 seconds left like, "I'M EATING YOU FIRST!" to you - ignore me, I don't mean it. I just want something to laugh about before my guts are raining down over the Atlantic Ocean.

As a side note: if I was on that plane with the soccer team over the Andes, I'd be among the first to die because I don't care about survival enough to eat anyone's thigh - or WORSE have to deal with living in snow for weeks on end with a bunch of strangers that I probably didn't even want to take the 15 hour plane ride with in the first place...

Really, your best case scenario is being involved in a bank robbery.
Fine, forget what I said earlier - we're infusing bank robbery back into the equation...

Would I make a good hostage.

Of course I would!
And why wouldn't I!

I'm fucking charming!
No, seriously, I am...laughs
I'm cute. No paper bag required.
I'm quick witted. I look fairly harmless.
I'm little!

little = you'd look like a big wuss to pick on someone much smaller than you and then you'd lose street cred and all the surviving hostages will make fun of you on TV for being such a coward motherfucker and killing the short girl...in which case, I STILL WIN...

Really.
Anyway.
Could I side up with the people who have the guns?
I think I could.

And I totally talk myself right into that theory!
If Patty Hearst can do it, why can't I?!

Then I think about all the stupid things that could be said to me that would set me off and make me indignant and this quickly degrades into:

Okay, fine - I'd at least make a half way decent hostage.
I'd just avoid eye contact and look bored.

Then I think about how mad I'd get that someone was wasting my fucking time and holding me up and annoying the fuck out of my day. This turns into:

Okay, fine - I'd at the very least not be THE FIRST ONE KILLED.

Because then it would be full on eye contact and I WOULD be bored and that's never good for anyone.

By the end of the debate in my head it's devolved into:

I'm the first one with a chalk outline being drawn around my half dead body while the paramedics are standing over me trying to sop up blood from the head wound I'm bound to receive while the hostage takers are still shooting at me even though they're all surrounded by the SWAT team - because I'm insulting their entire lineage.

I would be SO PISSED...

Well, at least everyone else would be safe.

but there's still a part of me that thinks I could make a good hostage!
I just haven't worked out the details yet...

And just for the record, this line of thinking, makes doing laundry less boring.