A life saved

I just got back from the corner convenient store.   You can't work up there for more than two shifts without me finding out your name and knowing your story.  I don't really set out to do this, it's just how it goes.

I walked in, got greeted with a hug and promptly told about the girl that the clerk is planning on marrying.  His girlfriend is talking to him through his ear piece while he's giving me the details.

It quickly turned into a three-way tribal conversation and then the fatal error occurred.  He mentioned his ex-wife...

...I felt my eye twitch and then it instantly turned into him being blasted in stereo about how it was a really bad idea for him to start talking about his ex-wife and making any kind of comparison.

Men like hearing how they're better than the last guy, or any guy, really.
Women don't even want you thinking about the last girl, or any girl.

but for the fucking LOVE OF GOD...do NOT compare us to anyone that you've been with...when we talk about men to you, it's in the past tense - they're all just simply facts stated and it's usually all their bad points...when you compare us to other women, it's in the present tense in our head, no matter how you mean it, and you somehow see her still in the category that we're in...and this pisses us off..."she was a great cook" - well, fuck you...why the fuck are you doting on her fucking cooking skills STILL?!  Keep talking and we'll never cook you a solitary thing as long as you live!  You want food?  Go back to your precious ex-girlfriend then!...oh my God..and we remember that shit FOREVER...I bet I could tell you what positive things a guy has said to me about an ex, nearly word for word...it sticks with us...again, FORFUCKINGEVER...and in the end, that will creep back into our heads and when we're done with you, we'll end it in our minds with something like, "Go back to 'Ms. Long Legs' who use to 'glide' across the room and was a 'go-getter' - jackass"...or whatever cookie baking skill mandate comment you came up with 18 years ago...BAD PLAN, BAD PLAN...[Okay, I just threw out two things that two of you readers should identify with and NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT because you've said those things to ME and they STILL piss me off... oh my God...Bite me]...


Man, that was like free therapy.
Anyway, back to the story...

As he was back peddling about how his comment wasn't in any way comparing the new with the old, I just stared at the ceiling and shook my head.  I was trying to give him all the signs that would indicate he should...just....shut...the....fuck...up.

I hissed quietly.  I stared at him.  I mean I stared at him in a way that makes anyone on the receiving end highly uncomfortable - and yet, it was like he just couldn't stop himself to save his own life.

I shook my head.  I made the "stop hanging yourself" hand gesture.  I even tried to mime a mute (and if you really consider that concept, it's hilarious).

Men don't take subtle hints well, apparently.

Yes, I'm here to help.  Seriously, just shut the fuck up.  Have you NO sense of damage control?  Self preservation?  Do you own a survival skill?

After about 30 seconds of watching him dig a deeper grave (STOP TRYING TO EXPLAIN, YOU'RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE!  STOP PILING IT ON!) - I finally just flat out said, "God, Shut up!" and then yelled loud enough for his girlfriend to hear, "you're MUCH prettier than his ex-wife!"

As if I've ever even laid eyes on his ex-wife... DOESN'T MATTER!

And then I made a big production about how I got to see her picture for the first time 5 minutes before the fatal error and how I'm looking forward to meeting her and how happy he seems these days and how he can't stop smiling and how I've never seen him like this before...blahblahblah

You're welcome, convenient clerk guy...

Yes, it's that easy.

Now, seriously, don't revisit it again tonight - or, ever, because clearly you don't know how to handle the backlash from it without assistance...she's moved on, leave it alone!  Knowing WHEN to shut up is 95% of the solution.  What is NEVER part of the solution is trying to justify, explain or reason out whatever stupid thing you said by using the same exact method that got you in trouble in the first place.


And yes, I'll be quizzing him on this lesson every time I see him from now on - so he doesn't forget.