things that make you go..."I probably shouldn't have said that out loud"

"I'm not agreeing to that!" - the final statement to a Priest that caused me to be banned from getting married in a Catholic Church back in 1987. That was a REALLY long car ride home with the then-fiance/1st husband who I had to marry at the Town Hall; who probably still hasn't forgiven me.

"You just hate me, don't you..." - the statement made that caused me to have to wear a light blue gown in a wedding with all sorts of netting under it.

Stranger: "What political party are you?"
Me: "Conservative Republican."
Stranger: "May I ask why?"
Me: "Because while I'm not rich now, I intend to be and I don't want to screw myself later."

- a statement said to some guy that came over to my table in a restaurant in the middle of D.C. - who could have known he was the campaign manager for the Democratic Party. You can probably guess why we didn't date for very long.

"That can't be true. Check again!" - statement made to my doctor after being told I was four months pregnant.

"Stop eating lint! What's wrong with you?"
"Look, if you turn out to be a serial killer, I'm going to be pissed - no, you can't keep the dead frog. Christ."
"What do you mean you left a black crayon in the dryer?"
"You threw what out the school bus window?!"
"Did you just lick the doorknob? Do I need to have you tested?"
"I better never turn on the TV and see either one of you on a talk show... I'm serious. And you can stop chanting, "Jerry" now or else I'm going to put you up for sale on ebay."

- statements made to my kids along the way, because they love to fuck with me.

Me: "We were having sex and something in his brain exploded."
Nurse: nod...it was smart to come in. We need to get him in right away to make sure there isn't any bleeding in the brain.

[Nurse exits triage]

Guy who experienced the brain explosion: "Did you just blurt that out?"
Me: "Uh, no. Well, yeah."
Guy who experienced the brain explosion: "Oh my God, I can't believe you said that."
Me: "Well, it's the truth. It's okay, there's nothing they haven't heard here. It's a hospital for cryin' out loud. They don't care. No one is even going to blink."

[fast forward to three hours later]

Guy who experienced the brain explosion: "I'm horrified by how many people this story had to be told to."

[quiet pause and solemn look before saying...]

Me: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME... IT'S SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT! Trust me, I use to work for hospitals. I guarantee you that EVERYONE on this ENTIRE FLOOR has heard the story already. Guards, Nurses, Doctors, Interns, People passing by the front desk, the Janitor. Matter of fact, I bet a mass emailing went out 5 minutes after we got here! EVERYONE KNOWS! It's the talk of the whole building by now! I bet some people have even called home just to spread the story! You may be on channel 9 later. Hey, I bet they put this in the hospital newsletter!"

Guy who experienced the brain explosion: "...!"
Me: "Oh, come on - who cares. Do you plan on socializing with any of these people? What are the odds you're ever going to see them again?"
Guy who experienced the brain explosion: "Would you stop telling everyone!"
Me: "You have to see the humor in this..."
Guy who experienced the brain explosion: "I think I hate you."

- statements made while sitting in the Emergency room at the local hospital. Hopefully this post will go unnoticed and I won't be killed for saying it here... even though I've been threatening to write about it for awhile now... "We'll always have the ER!" - at least it did make him laugh at the time...a little...