An answer

Okay, my first question from dy4.me and PM:

"Why do I still feel guilt after I make correct, logical, 

sane, well-thought out decisions?"

My first gut reaction was, "I don't know, but - Stop it!"
That's really not helpful though, is it?
So, the real response is:

There is some other factor involved that's getting in the way.
It's either:

- a matter of the heart
- a societal expectation
- duty/responsibility related and it somehow deviates from your original plan or violates your own personal sense of right and wrong

I'm going to treat this as if it were a relationship related question.  If it's otherwise, tell me and I'll take it in another direction.

Since this isn't going into some book and I don't have to worry about censoring myself, I'll just flat out say the following:

People that are loyal  and devoted  get more emotionally beat up, scarred and fucked over much harder when they deal with those that don't possess a fully formed concept dedicated to each categoric word.

Go re-read that.
Let it simmer, then marinade your brain with it so you don't forget.

Review it:

If you deal with someone that doesn't share your same sense of what loyalty and devotion means, if their ideals are lacking as they relate to your ideals - you  will be the one that ends up screwed if they don't or are incapable of coming around and fully understanding what it means to you.

It will hit you harder.
It will scar you.
It will brand you like a tattoo.

What it won't do - is kill you.

This is why it's best to have a meeting of the minds from the beginning.  Discuss these things!  "What's your favorite color?" is NOT an important conversation question.  "Of your own accord, are you capable of not trying to fuck everything with a pulse?" - is.

Granted, you may want to come up with a more politically correct way to ask that, but you get the idea.

Everyone wants to latch onto this romantic notion that love conquers all.
IT DOES NOT!

It might keep you in line because you automatically assign certain responsibilities and duties to the word, but if that other person doesn't assign the same ones - you're in trouble.

Love will get you through all of life's bullshit.
It will not get you through your own.

Love will keep you together through the bad times.  It will get you through taxes being raised.  It will get you through your kids fucking up.  It will get you through bad jobs, hard work, long hours, your ceiling caving in.  It will get you through your car breaking down.  It will get you through sickness and disease and decorating for Christmas.  It will get you through bad mornings and chewy coffee.  It will get you through shoes on your living room floor and "oh, by the way, I accidentally drove the car through the garage" - it will get you through relatives and in-laws and stupid people around you.

Love will not get you through fundamental differences.

Love will not be enough for a person who places a high value on monogamy - and winds up with a cheater.  Sure, you might stay - but things are forever altered.  Sure, you might stay -  but you'll never really trust that person again.  Sure, you might stay - but that person will always know that they fucked you over and that there's a point where you just might use that to even the score.  Even if you never do.  That is now always there.

Forever altered.

Love will not be enough if you have a strong sense of family and the other person routinely disregards that.  Love will not be enough if you value security and harmony and the other person goes out of their way to routinely violate that.

I'm not going to say that one or the other type of person is wrong.  Some people need to cause destruction.  Some people can't stomach the idea of being with one person only.  Some people like to live for the moment with no personal regard for the future.

I'm just saying that the two types of people shouldn't mix.
Love won't keep them together.

Something else might keep them together:  co-dependency, finances, fear, low self-esteem, lack of ambition, guilt, outside pressure, appearances, familiarity, lust, etc.

I'm going to address the original question now.

Basically, when you get fucked over and have to be the one that makes the decision that you need to do something else in order to restore your sense of self-worth, self-esteem, safety, stability, security, sanity (all the good s words) - it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks if you can't separate your emotions from the facts.

If you logically know that one path is better for you - and in a lot of cases, those around you and even the other person, that's the easy part.

That part is CAKE.

That part you can objectively write down on a piece of paper or make a mental list in your head of the objective facts and anyone in the world would be able to look at it and go, "Clearly, this is the correct decision."

It's not always so easy though, is it?
Find the root of what you're feeling.
It's important for personal growth.

Say you're with someone for 20 years.  You've had kids together.  You owned a house together.  You tried.  I mean, really tried.  You stuck to your own rules about loyalty and devotion and duty and loved the person you were with.  You had high hopes.  You only planned on being married once.  You went in it being all in.  You built your world around your family and spouse.  All your time and energy was dedicated to the betterment of your family instead of just you.

That other person totally blew it in your mind.  They let you raise the kids single-handed.  They showed up, when they felt like it.  You feel that their purchases were selfish and not dedicated to the betterment of the family as a whole.

Now, the other person might be thinking - I work hard every single day so I can keep a roof over all of their heads.  I'm not sleeping with anyone else.  I eventually come home.  I require a lot of time to myself.  I deserve it.

Not horrible people.
Just no meeting of the minds.
Fundamentally.

There is an imbalance of the value of family.  One values time with the family.  The other values the financial aspect of it.  Each is eventually going to resent the other because of this imbalance not being acknowledged.

If the person that values time with the family leaves, they're probably going to feel guilty.  Not because they belong with the other person, but because they had a set idea in their head about how family should go and how kids should be raised and the person they loved and did that with - didn't recognize it fully.

They may think, "I should have stayed because it's the right thing to do" - that would come from a strong sense of how that person thinks things should really be.  That's internal guilt, not external.  It's not guilt over the other person, it's guilt over violating your own set of rules.

This would be a good time to examine your own rules and see if you still believe in them.  If you do, good.  If you don't, time to adjust them.  If they still hold up, you can go to sleep at night confident that you're still on track and that there simply was no meeting of the minds with the other person involved.

Throw the guilt away after that.
It has served its purpose.

If you were meant to pay for something you did - you'd be in pain and suffering, not feeling guilt.

If someone else is trying to make you feel guilty over leaving - throw that guilt away and then take a minute to examine that person's role in your life and if you need to throw them away too.

No one has the ability to live your life for you.  It's easy for outsiders to tell you what to do because they don't have to be around for the aftermath.

This is also why you should take even what I say with a grain of salt because I can just throw out different ways to view things - that's all.

Guilt is all about violated rules.
It's called a Guilty Verdict for a reason.
Are they your rules though?

Rules get imposed on you from all angles as a kid.  Parents, Religion, Friends, Family and the Law.  It takes awhile to separate what everyone else tells you is the right thing and what you sort out from all the things you've been told and creating your own set of rules.

The Catholic Church has told me my whole life that I should be friends with Guilt.
We're not friends and I didn't adopt that in my set of rules.

It would take something hardcore for me to feel guilt of any sort.  So if I know that I'm going to feel guilty about something - it's just best to not even do it.

Fundamentally, outside guilt is designed to keep you in line.  Your mom can try to make you feel guilty about your behavior.  The church can try to make you feel guilty about a sin.  The supermom down the street can try to make you feel guilty about not being June Cleaver.

Every bit of advice serves some purpose.  It might add to your life or it might make you go, "what that person says is just not for me..." -  either way, it served some purpose.

When your own set of rules are firmly in place - you won't feel guilty anymore.
Again, sort out the root.

Personal growth isn't something you should shy away from.  It's a good thing.  It's where confidence comes from.  It's where strength of character comes from.  It's how you can custom design the best world for yourself and everyone in it.

When you're solid in where you stand, people take notice.  You become a whole person.  It's also the exact necessary component when you want to come to a meeting of the minds with another person.

It is never too late for personal growth.

It's not always pretty.  It's sometimes painful - but it's always insightful and valuable and important.  It's nothing to be afraid.  It's a step on the road to making you the best person you are capable of being.  It excludes no one.

One tiny little click of a light bulb going off in your head can change the course of your entire life - for the better.

I have faith in all of you.