The Cougar

Have you seen this God forsaken show?
It's safe to say that it's fair play to The Bachelor.

You know, I have no idea why I torture myself like this...

If you don't already know, it's a show about May/December relationships.
Except the twist is, it's not the older guy/young girl combination.
It's the older woman/young boy combination.

stare

Since the boundary lines seem unclear, I'm going to make an official ruling.
Read it carefully.


If the guy is young enough to be someone that you could have given birth to - pick someone else.
I'm slightly distressed that this needs to be pointed out.

If his parents named him after a current boy band - don't even speak to him!
Once again for the slow or confused people...I don't want you to miss this important message...

If the person you're looking at could have conceivably come out of your womb - STOP LOOKING.
When we do things that we chastise men for, it doesn't make us even.
It makes us equally wrong.

If he's played video games with your son in high school - avert your eyes!
Grown men shouldn't be dating teenage children.
Grown women shouldn't be dating teenage children.

If he can't tell you one band that was alive when you grew up - move along!
Seriously, does this need to be said?

I laughed my ass off when this 40 year old woman announced that she was searching for "true love".
WHERE?!
On the set?!
With a kid?!

Look, I get it. I get that when women hit 32/34 or somewhere around there, something kicks in and you want to scale every man around you that doesn't speak and piss you off. Everyone is a potential suspect. You just suddenly become geared to thinking like that and the process is instantaneous.

When that happened to me, I called one of my best platonic male friends and just yelled at him.
laughs...
I said, "Oh my God, what in the HELL happened HERE?!"
He laughed and said, "Welcome to becoming a teenage boy"
bastard...

Then we had a whole conversation with me all distressed, because really, I liked my mind just the way it was. Suddenly everything was colored by sex. I don't mean, "hear to please you, care about you, love you" sex - I mean, "I don't really care what you want, I don't need your help, shut up, lay there and don't speak" sex.

My friend said, "That's how guys live their whole lives, til around...32/34"
I actually pulled the phone away from my ear just to stare at it.

"Hello? Hello? Did I lose you?"
"Okay, first off... if this is what you guys deal with on a daily basis, WHY DO WE LET YOU RUN ANYTHING?!"
He said he had no idea.

"I understand war now"
He laughed.
Because there are exactly two options before you: lay it or kill it.

I ranted for two hours.
He laughed for 1 hour and 52 minutes of it.

Let me be clear, this is not the frame of mind you're in when your mouth should be lying and saying the words, "I'm looking for true love"

Fuck you.
You are not.
You're looking for a toy.
Preferably one without vocal cords.

Then I polled my female friends. They were even LESS help. I got things like, "Get use to it, that will last about 20 years"

dead silence...

Just yesterday I had a doctor tell me that women in their 40's produce more hormones than at any other point in their lives.

Thanks.
That's my subtle way of telling you that it only gets worse. Matter of fact, with me, it gets worse every two years. Faithfully.

This has been going on for the last 7 years.

So, I get it.
I get it.

But really, let's not parade around a show that says it promotes "finding true love" between a 40 year old woman and a kid barely out of high school. Let's call it what it really is, "The 40 year old hormonal woman looking for young guy with stamina and no conversation show".

Truth in advertising.
I'm all for it.

That said, it just really shouldn't exist at all.

At this point in life, you have to have your logic fully in place and your rules and standards have to be rock solid.

That poor kid IS going to fall for you and when you're done using him as a toy, he's going to be heart-broken. At some point, he's going to look at you - you, who are a good 20 years older than he is - and think, "Man, this chick is OLD"

How is that a good day?

And then to have four kids OLDER than the guy you're dating - well, that's just a recipe for disaster.
New rule!


If you think the kid is too old for your daughter to date by a few years; you can't date him either!
Oh my God...
If he graduated with your son - don't date him!
I live my whole life with the idea that when you tell someone something, no matter how many words you use to back up a statement - there has to be ONE SENTENCE that sums up exactly what you're trying to say.

Pick any of the sentences in bold.
Print them out as a reminder.
Write it out on post it notes and stick them all over your house.

If you're thinking about lapsing in some way, CALL ME. I'll talk you down. It'll be like having an AA sponsor.

"Hello? Is this Razors and Vines? I'm thinking about doing a young boy again. Hurry! HELP!"

I'll be right there on the other end of the phone saying things like, "Do you really want to be his Prom date?" and, "What would his parents say? Did you go to high school with THEM?!" and, "I did the math, do you realize that little Johnny there wasn't even BORN when YOU went to Prom?".

Trust me on this one - I could come up with more statements along those lines if I get on a roll and have clearance.

Honestly, I empathize.
I really do.
I...get...it...

I even get wanting to play teacher.
It doesn't make it right though.

I have two more points to make.

One, I just about laughed my ass off when Ms. Cougar there had all the boys write a note and stick it in a jar saying what their deepest darkest secret/worse thing they ever did was.

One wrote something about cheating on his girlfriend in 9th grade. That's the only thing I recall. The rest were equally as pitiful though. But then the golden words graced my ears, "I'm not sure these guys are being honest about their past"

WHAT PAST?!

Five years ago, these kids were passing notes back and forth going, "Do you like me? Check one. ___Yes or ___No"

If you're going to be receiving social security the year he gets out of college - pick someone else!
In all fairness, these boys may not be morons.
I'm sure they'll grow up to be lovely human beings.

They are NOT, and never will be, in the same league as a 40 year old woman though.
NOR should they even want to!
And society shouldn't want to promote that EITHER.

Second point...

Stop discounting older guys! We get highly pissed off when society says that women over 25 are less. What a crock. I do NOT want to see the same thing happen to men.

Again, doing the same thing to men does not make us even.
It makes it equally wrong.

Short of unswerving stamina that young guys supply; put side by side - the older guy has far more to offer. He's established. Has a greater sense of the world and how it works. Isn't still living home with his parents. Knows how to do his own taxes. Has fought long and hard to learn his trade and has a better appreciation of women.

And chances are he's probably been divorced once or twice and understands that if he screws you over, you're smart enough to not just take it laying down.

He's interested in his own security. He knows how to fix stuff around the house. Knows how to take care of a yard. Knows he can't drive like a maniac and takes care of his car. Isn't relying on others. Understands risks and the consequences.

He's been to the best restaurants and has a sense of taste and style. He's gone through the bullshit, "I have to look at everything with a pulse" phase. He's more apt to think about being settled and knows the price to pay for that.

He's looking for quality versus quantity.

He may have slowed down some sexually, but that still works to your advantage. It's in your best interest. He's taking his time thinking about you and what you want. This is not gratitude. This is consideration borne out of a life lived.

A guy your own age grew up with the same things you did.
There's value in that.

He may not double as a jack hammer 15 times a day for 10 minutes at a time. Who cares though in the big scheme of things? At some point, you're going to be staring at him across the kitchen table sipping your coffee and it's going to hit you that you two have nothing to talk about. You've lived your life TWICE in the time he's taken his first breath. He probably doesn't even know what FICA means or what a 401K is let alone know the functions of a g-spot.

One more comment about the jack hammer concept...
I'll take a really good hour or two a day over 15 times a day at 10 minute intervals.

Think about it. You're at your peak for the next 20 years. He's slowed down to the point where he considers looking at your face. It's NOT a bad deal!

If you do it right too, there's no reason what-so-ever, short of medical, that you can't make him feel like he's 18 again. All that tension is right below the surface. Always. It just becomes your job to bring it back out. How the hell hard is that to bring out when you're in your prime? It isn't. Make him understand that he's the center of your tension and that's it.

I may be projecting, but I don't think so.

I expect whomever I'm with to view me as the be all, end all of sex.
BECAUSE I AM.
Do that and you'll never want.
Ever.

The formula is so utterly simple it's almost painful. Make me feel like that and you won't even notice that other women exist. You'll be too busy and too tired.

That's the pay off.

Let me end by reiterating once more...


If he calls someone else your age, "MOM" - go to confession and ask for absolution for the thoughts you've been having about him and don't do it again!