surprises

I dislike secrets.
Truly.
I don't handle them well either.
I hate surprises too.

I really do hate surprises unless they are REAL surprises. Like, blind-siding surprises. Ones that I have ZERO knowledge of. Because if there's any hint of anything and you're just not telling me, I'm going to think you're being a jerk - and I'm not going to like that.

It's not advisable to torture me.
I know how to torture people right back.

This scenario is usually how it goes when people want to surprise me with something:

Someone that doesn't know me well at all: "I have a surprise for you and I'm not telling you what it is either!"

fuck me... apparently saying this is MANDATORY to the script because it goes down like this 99 out of 100 times...

Me: "I don't like surprises"
Someone that doesn't know me well at all: "I know"
...silence...
Me: "So, tell me"
Someone that doesn't know me well at all: "Then it won't be a surprise"
...it's not a surprise now!...
Me: "Tell me!"
followed by me wearing said person down until they tell me...

I really hate that...

rethinking...

Even the real surprise comment comes with a few rules and regulations - DO NOT HORRIFY ME EITHER. I like being prepared for things. I function MUCH better that way. If it's going to be a total surprise, it's best that it's done privately.

Like those guys that think it's a good idea to propose to their girlfriend in front of 50,000 people at a NY Jet's football game... and she has no clue. And suddenly the cameras are zooming in on her. Waiting. The look on her face leaves you unsure if she'd say yes if the ENTIRE UNIVERSE wasn't focusing on her. Now she's stuck, cornered - the pressure is on!

Oh.
My.
God.

The camera would catch me uttering something about killing said guy when we got home. And really, how fucking good do you look going to a fucking football game. There's a good chance that you're freezing your ass off, your face is all blotchy from the cold, your eyes are sort of glazed over, you hate the people that are clearly too close to your inner personal space and you're wondering where the fuck your boyfriend ran off to leaving you with a bunch of unstable strangers half naked with the team's colors painted all over their faces.

And now you're on camera!
Up close and personal!
Oh My God!

Seriously, this is a free ticket to torture your future husband for a good five years - and every single time you think of it.

Or every time you see the clip on YouTube or fucking CNN as the high-lights of that week in sports.

hyperventilates...

Sort of like it's not okay to announce to some guy that you're pregnant when he's in the middle of a poker game with his friends. I'm just saying you might want to hold off for better timing.

A good compromise, since most people would like to share that sort of news with people that care about them, would be - telling him Christmas Eve by handing him the small square without a word that has the + sign on it. ALONE. If there's a good reaction, you can share with the group - if there's a bad reaction, at least you're the only two witnessing it. You can kill him later.

Same with her. If you ask while you're out in public somewhere or at some family gathering, and the reaction is good - by all means, it's your joy to share. If the reaction isn't good, no one loses face. And you can kill her later.

All men should get down on one knee to propose too.

That's tradition. I don't know who started it - and I don't really care. I like it. I've never had it done - and I've been proposed to a ridiculous amount of times and I'll be proposed to a few more times before I'm dead, I'm sure.

Knights kneel when being awarded honors from Kings and Queens. Offering or accepting a marriage proposal is just as much an honor as any medal or award. Even Kings and Queens kneel to genuflect when entering a church. Proposing on bended knee is a sign of respect and spiritualism.

That's how I see it. That is what's proper and that's what I like.

You can't do that when you're standing on a pitcher's mound and your other half is in a crowd of strangers 50 feet away with a bunch of men in spandex between you. Am I the only one that sees the logic here?

twitching...

Surprises are fundamentally... bad.
Be very, very careful.