This is how NY does football...

This is the Bills/Colts game from yesterday.
The Colts aren't use to this sort of thing...
They were hilarious when they were interviewed.



You can't see ANY of the lines.
...and still...70,000 lunatics showed up to watch.
I was not one of them.
Nor would I be...

Not that I can even get out of my driveway at the moment.
My son, some random guy and his kid shoveled my driveway three times yesterday.

Looking out the kitchen window, it looks like another foot of snow fell.
AND IT'S STILL SNOWING!

According to this:
www.WHEC.com - Snowstorm blankets area
It looks like just under 3' of snow fell in total.
AND IT'S STILL SNOWING!

My poor daughter...
The bus was 15 minutes late.
It's 14 degrees out.
And yes, this is NY, of course she has school.

Her girlfriend's house is across the street from the bus stop. My kids have LONG AGO given up bothering to check if school is ever going to be closed in winter. The boy graduated, but the girl doesn't even get her hopes up enough to turn on the tv to hear the news.

So I get this phone call from her asking me to check if school is closed. We both know it won't be, but she asks me to check anyway because the bus is 15 minutes late.

While we're on the phone, the bus passes her friend's house; which they, of course, miss. All she could do was laugh.

She's safe and sound in her Physics class right now - thawing.
New York.
Gotta love it.

women's bathrooms

You can always tell the sign of a good restaurant/party house/hotel by the condition of their women's bathroom(s).
That's just a fun little fact.

If you want to know if you should plan any kind of event at a place, send some random female into their facilities and just observe the look on her face when she walks out.

If she comes out with a look of total disgust - don't even think about eating there.
It's as simple as that.

The look is unmistakable too. It's that clenched jaw, eyes half closed, every muscle in her body is tense and there is usually some subtle, if not full on, sneer on her face - stance.

For the male gender who may not yet be informed, let me explain.

We take our settings very seriously. We expect it to be clean. We expect to be able to see when we look in the mirror. We expect all the locks on the doors to work. We expect there to be plenty of supplies at our disposal.

We expect room to move. We expect there to be somewhere for us to put our purses and whatever other junk we happen to have with us.

We expect hooks on the backs of our doors - even if some of us aren't comfortable throwing our stuff up on said hook because we also know how easy it is for someone to just reach over and yank our stuff up and out.

NOT THE POINT!

We expect to not feel like we need to shower when we leave a public restroom.
Yes, I said it.
We expect this.

I always crinkle my nose whenever a bathroom is a) some one room thrown together with no thought enclosure or b) co-ed. Bite me. I don't want to share a bathroom with a male in my own house, let alone a bunch of strangers.

No offense. You men are wonderful. I just don't need to know *that* much about you. I see no real need to bond with you in that way. Stop peeing in front of me for crying out loud.

Now, a really well run place who cares about it's guest/clients/customers will build a real bathroom for women.

This will include up to three separate rooms. A foyer, a waiting area and the facilities themselves - which is large and has stalls on one wall and across from the stalls will be an entire wall side to side of mirrors and sinks.

The sink dispensers won't have the equivalent of Lava soap in them. It will be something fruity or flowery, usually some Yardley something or other that you wouldn't bother to spend the money on to put in your own house.

There will be lights - everywhere, so you can actually see what you're doing when you go to fix your make-up. There will be a large garbage can with a swinging lid on it so you don't have to actually see the garbage in it (if not two - one on either side of the room).

There will be a hand blow dryer AND a paper towel dispenser. Half of them have a folding changing table for babies attached to the wall that you can pull down and make your life easier. There is usually a machine that you can get tampons and pads from if you pay the quarter charge or whatever it is these days.

Each individual stall has a metal box for tampons and pads to dispose of and there is usually a huge roll of toilet paper (and another one behind it) and most of the time there will be a dispenser for those toilet seat covers which are more trouble than they're worth. It's nice to know it's available anyway.

There is at least one handicap, over-sized stall. This is not like a handicap parking space. The same rules do not apply. It's acceptable for anyone to use provided that no one is wheeling themselves in to the room before you go to use it.

Our sitting areas contain couches and nice chairs and mirrors with elegant frames on them. Some will have tables that contain baskets with items such as: bobby pins, safety pins, hair spray, spritzer, nylons, handiwipes, cotton balls, Q-Tips, pads, tampons and sewing kits in them. There is art on the wall, low lighting lamps on the table (designed to make our jewelry sparkle, no doubt) and either carpeting in these rooms or very nice tiles; usually carpet.

This is the norm.

Our bathrooms aren't just bathrooms.
They're conference rooms.
and yes, we *are* discussing *you*...

Now, let me set the scene now that you have all of that information floating around fresh in your head.

We were driving from Maryland back to New York. We found ourselves in the middle of East Nowhere, Pennsylvania when we decided to stop at a Citgo.

Seems normal enough, right?
Wrong.

My daughter and I go in search of the restroom. It is, of course, a one room hovel that we both squeezed into.
Fine.

We made our comments and then I looked up at the wall thinking that the dispenser was the usual tampon/pad dispenser.
Wrong, again!

I pointed to the dispenser silently until she looked up at it. When it registered what it actually was, she started laughing out loud.

Condoms!
In all my years, I've NEVER seen condoms sold in a women's bathroom.

But wait!
Not just condoms - adult novelty items too.
That was on the left side.

On the right side was - aspirin.
Seriously, aspirin.

All for the low, low price of $0.75 each.
We found the cracker jack mother of all dispensers!

You may get a condom or you may get an adult item - how lucky are you feeling tonight?! The right side was solely aspirin, but the left side - total guesswork!
She is, unmistakably my child. So we did what anyone would expect us to do left in a situation like this -- We wasted $4.50 on crap we wouldn't buy over the counter and laughed our asses off every time we dropped in three quarters and turned the knob. We had the added bonus of the bathroom wall being 5' from the outside cashier counter too and a full line in front of it.

We didn't care. It was too much for our senses as soon as this dropped out...

Tattoos.
The Ultimate in Fun & Fantasy.

Clearly, I have a lot to learn if tattoos are the ultimate in Fun & Fantasy. I've been doing it all wrong then. I'm going to have to rethink everything!

Grant must have given up on waiting for us because we found him outside at the car checking the oil. We maintained our silence on our newly purchased stash of Black Magic condoms, tattoos and massage oil.

That is, until we couldn't take it anymore and started laughing again.
Then he made the distinct mistake of finally asking us what took us so long.

My daughter and I exchanged a bonding smirk and then I casually said, "Oh, we were buying condoms..."

He rolled his eyes.
Like he didn't believe me.
Then he must have taken a second to think about it.

Because he knows that if whatever I say sounds really off - there is a 99.997% chance that it's 100% true...

Grant: "Did you really buy condoms?"
Me: "Yes."

silence...

Grant: "You did not."
Me: "Okay."

silence...

Grant: "Why in God's name would you be in there buying condoms?"
The two of us in stereo, all excited: "Because we've never seen a condom dispenser before in our bathrooms! It wasn't JUST a condom dispenser either!"

more silence.. at this point I can see why he's confused... I've had my tubes tied for the last 14 years and my daughter is waiting until after she graduates high school at least... this is SO NOT THE POINT!

We produced our bounty so he could bask in our excitement with us.
He still wasn't getting it.

Grant: "You know those are the kinds of condoms you get when you want to get someone pregnant or take your chances of getting an STD from the condom itself from a place like this..."
Me: "DON'T RAIN ON OUR PARADE!"

a whole lot of staring at our excited little faces while trying to figure out what in God's name to say to us to get us to stop...

Grant: "I'm not sure what the big deal is - that's standard in our bathrooms."
Me: "Yeah, we went into your bathroom too (WE HAD TO!). You had a two sided dispenser too. One side, regular condoms. Other side, ribbed condoms, "for her" - no aspirin..."

a whole fuckload of silence...

That's when I felt it was time to break open the marital aid package with the massage oil in it, you know, to break the silence. And what did I get for my efforts?

NOTHING!
That's what!

The freakin' box was EMPTY!
Empty, I say!
What the Hell kind of rip off bullshit is that?!

I looked at my daughter and said, "I think we should go back in and complain!" - being my offspring, she was all for the idea of witnessing that.

Grant: "Get in the car..."
Me: "Fine. I'll write them hate mail instead."

If any of you B&I employees are reading this:

Dear Barnett International Corporation,

You suck. We hate you.
Oh, and you owe me $0.75

Signed,
A Disgruntled & Disappointed Dispenser User
And that, is my condom story.

Oh, and by the way - the tattoo box contained a scorpion and a cartoon kitten playing with a green tennis ball...I don't even want to know who thinks that's the ultimate in Fun & Fantasy...

ever...

Ever feel like walking out of your own life?

Just going, "Alright, it's time to do something else now..." and then packing up and spinning a world map and wherever it lands, building another portion of your life in that spot?

Grant and I exchange a lot of comments about different places in the world. We, more accurately, he makes a lot of comments and I make mental notes.

He's been to a lot of places in Europe and I know I'm suppose to want to go to places like Paris and London and what we would consider mainstream areas here in America when it comes to other countries.

Lovely.
Really, couldn't care less.

It's not that I don't want to see Rome after he's told me all about it. It's just that in the back of my head, I know how much time I had to sit on the floor in the hall from being thrown out of class during Religious Education when I was in Catholic School.

Do I really need to be cast out by anyone that's a part of the Holy Apostolic See?

I KNOW me...

And I also know that the Pope would probably ultimately like me (come on!), but would be forced to act like he hates my guts in front of all of those witnesses because there are some questions I want answered.

Then what?

Then I'm back to being cast out in some hall counting floor and ceiling tiles again until I think my eyes are going to start bleeding.

Not to say that the places above aren't beautiful and amazing and hold some kind of appeal just to say I've gone there, but... and this is where we come to my other problem aside from my Pope issue...

I SUCK as a tourist.
I can't even be a decent tourist in my OWN country.

You want to know the most tourist like thing I did when I was on the West Coast?

laughs...it's ridiculous...

My version of being a tourist in North Hollywood was snapping a picture of the Hollywood sign while doing 75 mph down the highway.

It's got to be one of the worst pictures ever taken.
It looks more like a smear or a blur verses an actual famous landmark sign.

I vaguely recall looking down at the stars on the sidewalks, but that's only because I was in 5" heels and on my way to Frederick's of Hollywood and I didn't want to trip on any random garbage that some jackass threw on the ground.

Frederick's of Hollywood.
The motherland.
It's my Mecca and I was going home.

I'm sure I walked over a bunch of famous people's names in the process of getting there.

So, there I am - 3,000 miles away from home, Right?
On the "other" coast.

I ended up buying a cute outfit and two shirts.

While sitting at a cafe across the street afterward, I inspected my purchases again and what did ALL the labels say?

"Made in New York"

I could have saved myself the $1100 air fair and shopped online FROM New York.

As a side note, Frederick's of Hollywood IN Hollywood wasn't all it was cracked up to be either. I somehow expected more. Even so, when I'm asked what part of California I've been to, half the time I still say, "Frederick's of Hollywood!" - you know, like it's its own city.

Victoria can keep her damn secret.

It's rarely, if ever, about the sights to me.
About the tourism.
It's so much more about the people.

I had so much more fun talking to virtual strangers than anything.

If you throw me into any setting and let me be me without consequence, I will know every person in the room before I leave and their life stories. There's also a good chance that 30 years from now, I'll still be talking to some of them too.

I'm still friends with my best friend from kindergarten and we only went to the same Catholic school for two years - and not even two years in a row. She lives in Hawaii right now, but I just talked to her again last month. It's been 36 years - and no question, no matter how much time passes, when we see each other, it's as if no time has passed at all. We just pick up where we last left off.

Why?
Because people don't change.
I will root out your core personality and bank on it.

that's a whole other story though...and one I'm sure I'll write about at some point...because I can't help myself...

Places like the Sandals resorts are beautiful, I'm sure.

I looked at a few of them over the years though and I can't help but notice that no matter where they are - they're all cookie cutterish to me. Seriously, if I'm in Mexico - it shouldn't look the same as being in Jamaica or one of the Virgin Islands or Wyoming, should it?

No.

If I go to Mexico, I want to go to Mexico City and walk around the center of the place and talk to people that actually live there. Not people that were hired from New York to work in another country.

I want to know the culture of places.

I want to go to Argentina and find the seediest hole in the wall dance hall. I want to walk the shoreline of Bangladesh and talk to the people who live in mud homes. I want to go to Croatia and meet the people that herd for a living and see their view of the world and life.

I don't care about going to highlights in England. I would rather find some dive bar in the middle of Manchester and run into Ricky Hatton and have a drink with the guy while shooting darts.

The Grand Canyon moved Grant.
I'm sure it was wondrous.

I'm never going to think one day, "I need to see the Grand Canyon before I'm dead!"

It's just never going to go down like that.

You're far more likely to see me sitting on some steps outside some random building in Belgium talking to strangers - or in some ruined building in Poland asking about what it use to be before the war.

Czech Republic?
I'm in!
Hungry - yes.
Bulgaria - yes.

Transylvania... are you kidding me? I'll start packing RIGHT NOW...

I want to sit and have coffee with some captivating little old lady in Romania and listen to the story of her whole existence.

I have zero issue with standing in the doorway of some Temple to Kali in Calcutta and asking about the Hindu religion of the people that come out and about their traditions and customs and what they hold sacred.

Oh my God... Heaven...

Every opportunity Grant gets to say, "Hey, it's a third world country! Why don't you add that to the list of places you want to take your chances getting killed in!" - he takes it.

because he thinks he's funny... but mentally, I probably AM adding it to my list...

Don't get me wrong.
Give me a good hotel and I'm a happy girl.

If I'm in a hotel that I love, I don't see a need to leave the room.
Then I'm there for the hotel itself.

The next hotel on my list is The Waldorf Astoria in NYC.


I've been to NYC.
I don't need to go see anything in NYC.
The only time you'll see me outside is getting from the cab to the front door.
It will be ALL about the Waldorf.

If I want to walk around NYC I'll get one of the train packages for a day trip and wander around the streets until I hate people like everyone else there. But really... what for? I CAN DO THAT AT HOME!

You want a NY experience? Ride the subway for one stop and wait... some dickhead will inevitably come along and rub up against you proclaiming its an accident - and you'll start to think that stabbing people really shouldn't be against the law...

While I'm staying at a place like The Waldorf Astoria, I don't want to have to calculate the felony-I-may-have-to-commit vs. days-I'll-have-to-stay-in-prison ratio.

At those prices too, I'm not about to just spend 7 hours sleeping there while I'm out all day. If you're going to do that, stay at a Super 8 and save yourself a few thousand dollars. Who the hell cares.

It's like when I went to the Pocono Mountains. Caesar's Palace. Heart-shaped pool, champagne glass hot tub, kick ass filament star ceiling panels. Ask me if I cared about going to golf or play tennis when I've got a room like that.

Phhf.

I can do those things when I'm home.
I don't need to trek up some freakin' mountain to do that.
And while we're at it - I DON'T do those things at home either!

And I've been through Pennsylvania enough times in my life to know that there's nothing else there that I really need to see along the routes I've taken.

Yes, it's a tree.
Yes, it's an adult book store.
Yes, it's another truck stop restaurant.
YES, IT'S ANOTHER CONSTRUCTION/ROAD WORK SIGN THAT'S BEEN THERE FOR THREE DECADES.
Got it.

Does road construction in PA EVER get finished? I'm curious.

Oh, look - MORE billboards!
like every 20 feet...
And hey, in between the billboards are no speeding signs!
joy...

Grant jokes that there had to have been a really great deal on signs at some point there. There's a sign for EVERYTHING. There are signs that tell you there are other signs up ahead. It's amazing.

The sign budget is probably WHY THE ROADS ARE NEVER FIXED!

It's cool you guys are all into your gun laws, or lack of them (save Philly) - but I do seriously want to know if you're all just fucking with us New Yorkers trying to get to Maryland with your 18,000 orange cones and 14,000 caution signs.

TELL ME THE TRUTH!
I WANT TO KNOW!

I wouldn't blame you if you were.
I would find that funny.

CALLING ALL WORKERS: "Hurry Up! People on route 15 coming in from the North - PUT UP THE CONES. Fuck, we missed one strip. That's okay, we'll put up some RANDOM DETOUR SIGN further down by the Business District! HaHaHa! We'll show those Yankees!"

.... followed by a whole lot of snickering on walkie talkies and over squad car radios...

Really, you can tell me the truth.

eyeballing all of you suspiciously because I know at least ONE of you knows the answer!

I want credit too because I'm not going to say a word about the Amish traveling in their horse and buggies filled with their quilts and rocking chairs taking up half of the road so you can't even pass them. I'm really not...

It's killing me, but I'm really not.
Give credit where credit is due, damn it!

It's okay, Pennsylvania, we still love you. You're like our little brother and while we can mess with you, no one else can. If there is ever an attack on you, a bunch of New Yorkers will come in all hostile from Route 15 and 81 to help out.

Just promise to remove your damn road and detour signs so we're not all driving around Harrisburg for an extra hour swearing to ourselves because you think it's funny!

That's not asking too much, is it?

Anyway, there was really no point to this post this morning. I'm just wide awake and Grant is still sleeping and I've had a pot of coffee and Jolt Caffeine Energy Gum.

Not that that's really an excuse because I have consumed a pot of coffee before and then fallen fast asleep. It was just starting to seem like I needed to give some kind of reasoning for writing all of this.

work with me!

Alright, I'm off to find a world map.