1-2-3

I've been brainwashing my kids for a long time now. They are *not* living in my basement at 40. Forget it. That's just not going to be happening.

So these are the rules:

You *will* graduate from high school.
Period.
After that, you have three choices:

College - if you're in college, you will be going to the one my ex-husband works at. It's one of the Top 10 colleges in America. Your tuition is free because he's staff. They have a phenomenal program in place - they're connected with close to 160 other colleges that they'll cover tuition for after you get a couple of years of schooling under your belt.

The stipulation from the college is that you have to be a dependent. You will still be a tax deduction. Therefore, I still own you. The rules of the house still apply. How lenient they become depends on your GPA - just like elementary, middle and high school. You should have the hang of it by this point.

If you don't wish to go to any of these schools, you better get some full scholarships because I'm not paying for any other school. Hell, at 40-50K per year, I couldn't afford to pay for this school if my ex-husband didn't work there. The books at this college alone are going to kill us. You are allowed to live on campus and leave all your crap here. This is still your home.

As long I stay married to my ex-husband (for this journal's purposes, I refer to him as my ex-husband since we haven't been together for the last two years and he lives somewhere else - however, we are still married because of the kids), you can go to college for free. The college extends this until the age of 30. You could conceivably walk out of school with a couple of Ph.D.'s worth close to a half a million dollars, if you apply yourself. I know you don't understand exactly what kind of tremendous opportunity he has ensured for you. You're going to have to trust me on this one.

I'm not entirely sure I like the idea of a career student. Pick a direction and work towards it. I'm all for bettering yourself, but you have to have some focus. You've got a year and a summer to get a grip on what that direction might be. Choose...something. You're not living here for 30 years, nor will you want to. Believe me.

Though, I go back and forth on this one...If you find you're exceptional at something and really want to go to school for years on end so you can specialize in it, we'll see about trying to buy a rental home by the campus where you can live and still benefit. I'll have to see if it's allowed. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. It better be something worth-while though, no basket weaving specialist or anything like that.

Military - if you don't realize the opportunity in front of you as far as college goes and you want to join the Military - that's fine. The Military automatically emancipates you in the eyes of the law (just like marriage).

You can get your mail here, leave your stuff here and come home whenever you get leave. This is still your home. Subject to change should you decide to make the Military your career. You're not living here for the next 20 years.

Full time job - if you've decided to wave either of the above options, you've got one month after you graduate from high school to get a full-time job. This is what my Mom did with me. I'm passing it along to you. Congratulations.

You will not even entertain the idea of getting a job that doesn't offer medical insurance. You won't believe this is important, but I'm not playing with you. I will sit down with you before you go on your interviews and discuss the things you should be looking for. I don't expect you to just know.

You will pay rent. The rent you pay, I will let you believe is gone after you give it to me. What will actually happen is that I'll put it into an account for you. At some point you're going to want to buy a house and it'll be a nice portion towards the down payment.

You can do this for approximately a year. At which point, I expect you to be bright enough to think to yourself, "I'm paying rent and still have rules - why in the hell don't I pay rent on my own and not have rules?". I have faith in you.

---

Regardless of which option you choose, I expect you to do the best you can to think over the choices of your life. You will be picking your own branch of the Military (if you fail to make a choice, I will sign you up to the Army). You will be choosing your own classes and major. You will be finding your own job. Do your research.

I always said that you would each get a used car for your high school graduation present. Something checked by our mechanic and that I trust won't break down on you. I'm not asking your opinion on color or type. You get what you get. Be happy you're not riding the bus and you don't have payments to make on it.

You will be responsible for taking care of the maintenance on your car and your car insurance. We will pay for AAA. You will be less likely to be a jackass driving if you're paying for it.

You will be allowed one credit card that's solely in your name and you will take it out from your own bank. There will only be a $250-300 credit limit on it. We'll see how long it takes for you to fully understand, 'only use in case of an emergency' - you will screw it up, undoubtedly.

You will have your own savings and checking accounts. You should know how to manage your money by now, however, for the first few months, I'll sit down with you and help you with your bills/schedules so you don't do what nearly everyone else does and fuck your credit the first year you get it - which you probably will anyway.

If you are overseas, I will handle your car and finances for you until you get back to the United States. I'll also give you all the details about everything I did for you to double check to make sure there isn't something else you owe that you forgot to tell me about.

Do not ask me for a cellphone. I am not putting you on our plan. Neither of you can be trusted with a phone. My suggestion for you is to get a pre-paid deal until you can learn the value of minutes. There's a reason why I don't let you touch mine.

If you lose your mind and plan on getting married at an early age, you better make sure you have a home set up. If you can't handle things on your own - you should take this as an indication that you have no business getting married yet.

If you are really sick, have been in some sort of accident or are pregnant (being diabetic) - you are more than welcome home. I will take care of you.

You can always turn to me for anything. This does not mean that you'll get exactly what you want though. My job is not to become an enabler. My job is to guide you into becoming a decent, responsible and productive human being - one that I'll want to have dinner with out in public. I'm your Mother. I'll always help you in some way. It just might not be in a way you expect though. That's all I'm saying.

I recognize that you have to make your own mistakes. Trust me, you will. It's inevitable. I'll let you, too. Oh, I'll make a few remarks here and there to try to prevent you from doing whatever stupid thing you're about to do, but don't expect me to prevent you. Some things you just need to experience to get. This is a waste of time, but you'll do it anyway because you're young.

That said, if I don't see you correcting the problem and instead find you digging a deeper hole - I will be likely to step in and verbally smack you in the back of the head until you see what you're doing.

If you continue on with said stupid thing after I point it out to you - you're on your own. I will have done my part as your Mother. You can come tell me I was right later in life.

Welcome to adulthood.
Fun, isn't it?

one down, one to go...