Pookie bear

Pookie bear...commonly referred to as Roadkill* and/or Jupiter is now a 5 month old kitten and has taken up some new habits.

1) We've mastered the Machine Gun trick. I yell, "COME HERE!" - and she trots in. I pick her up from under her front paws so she can face my oppressor and let the rest of her hang down loosely. I yell, "Machine Gun!" and then make an, "et-et-et-et-et" sound while pointing her at my target.

She is unfazed.

When I put her down, she just sits there and stares at me like, "Yeah, that was great. Wondrous fun. Now where's the ham?"

2) My daughter, not to be out-done by my cat training has taught her the stare trick. This happens when my daughter snaps and says, "stare!" and for some weird reason, the cat stares at the floor and sits perfectly still like she's a petrified redwood.

Personally, I think it's sheer defiance on Roadkill*'s behalf, but who am I to stifle art.

3) We've discovered the washing machine and the dryer. This is less of a trick and more of a hazard. In my quest to find the little black furry monster the other day, I walked into the downstairs bathroom, looked around and didn't see her.

Checked the rest of the house.
Nada.

Heard something in the bathroom, went back in - only to find her spring out of the washing machine that had the lid left open on it. She was IN the empty washing machine.

If I'm folding laundry, 9 out of 10 times, I'm doing it from the dryer itself. She has taken to climbing INTO the dryer while I'm pulling out clothes.

Points for creativity.
No points for sense.

4) We've learned how to walk a straight line next to someone and not to jump out from nowhere and attack calves.

Why?
Because this pisses me right the fuck off and it had to stop.

I do not relish the idea of being ambushed because Special Agent Roadkill* wants to sneak around the speaker in the living room and fling herself at the back of my legs.

I also have zero desire to be tripped while I'm walking through my own house.

So, one day after I had had enough of this shit, I did the first thing that came to mind...

I tripped her.
Yes, I tripped a cat.

This is akin to when my kids were little and got their teeth and wanted to test out biting. The boy was much slower to grasp the concept that that wasn't going to be in his future than the girl child. He bit my leg once. I did the only thing that came to mind. I pinched his nose together. He stopped. He did it again. Repeat. He stopped and looked at me. He did it again. So did I. That was the end of that phase. What we learned was that breathing is important and you can't breathe if you have a mouth full of flesh and your nose is unavailable.

This was approximately a three second lesson.
Problem solved.
Oh, and they're grown - too late to call Social Services on me.

Back to the cat tripping...

I'm not overly proud of it, but something had to give and I'm not cracking my head open because my animal couldn't pass a sobriety straight line walk test.

She stopped, stared at me.
I stared back.
And it hasn't happened since.
It's been two weeks.

She has also learned the fine art of spinning in mid-air before she makes contact with calves too. She still jumps out from behind the speaker, but there is no tackling involved anymore. We're good.

5) I've come to terms with the fact that my lap no longer belongs to me and I have to type around her; which is evident by her insisting on sitting in my lap 274 times a day - like now.

6) She's come to terms with the fact that she's getting her nails cut once a week whether she likes it or not. This went from a full on war to an acceptance complete with barely audible hissing now while sporting flat back ears. Deal.

7) We've learned that she is not above hanging from the doors of kitchen cupboards. She's learned that if she jumps up on the counters, I go into cardiac arrest. So, instead, she hangs from the top edging of the bottom cupboard doors. She will do this while being in between you and the counter, so when you look down you see the top of her head. She looks ridiculous with her feet dangling off the floor, but clearly, this is not an issue for her.

8) She is still a plastic junkie. If there is plastic anywhere around her, she's willing to try to eat it.

9) She still believes with everything she is that she's invisible if she's hiding behind sheer curtains. Saying, "I CAN SEE YOU!" means exactly nothing to her. She thinks you're lying.

10) I went to the dollar store because there are just certain things I'm not willing to spend a small fortune on. Wrapping paper being one of these things. There is no reason whatsoever that anyone needs to buy an $8.00 roll of wrapping paper. It's - WRAPPING PAPER. Even if I was a millionaire, I wouldn't spend that on wrapping paper. That's just ridiculous to me. I can't do it.

Anyway, while I was there - I got her a brown bear stuffed animal. It's the softest thing ever made.

She exacts whatever vengeance on it she can think of. She carries it around the house in her mouth all the time. It drags on the floor, she trips over it and she carries it around some more.

If you listen closely, I swear you can hear her say, "OPPRESSOR!" before she tries to rip its head off.